Finally, I feel like I’ve begun to find a place of peace and happiness again in my fitness journey. Hell, even my life! I reached out to someone in the fitness Industry who is quite well known. I told them about my current struggles and just how unmotivated and stuck I was. Where was it you ask? Well, to say that I’ve totally quit competing all together, would be jumping the gun. The more that I try to convince myself that I never want to compete again or that I don’t miss it, the more I hear a voice in the back of my head whisper “Liar”. The truth is, I do miss it. I dream about it at least once a week and in my dreams, I'm happy on stage and filled with joy. Crazy, I know. I watch videos of bikini preps and show days and I get butterflies and instantly motivated. So, if I miss it so much, why not do it again?

Competing is a lot more dedication than some may think. It takes constant, overwhelming focus. Your life revolves around what you do and honestly? I love it. Some people find prep to be difficult because they’re often hungry, tired and sleep deprived. They feel like they’re missing out on life events and wish they could drink wine and eat cake and just relax. I personally suffer from more of a guilty feeling because I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I more so feel like others think I’ve missed out on certain things due to my past lifestyle and that I should feel like I’ve missed out. I feel like I should want to spend my time as most others do, surrounded by food and drink and staying up late.  I feel guilty for not feeling guilty if that makes any sense at all. Would you believe me when I say that even when I’m not in prep, I still don’t really drink alcohol often (maybe once a month) and I rarely stay up past 9:30pm. I’m always up before 6:00am even on the weekends and I am anxious and excited to get to the gym 6 days a week to get this energy and passion that lives inside of me out! To give it shape and give it sound. To give it purpose and watch it take form through movement and through sound.

I've had 4 consecutive years of competing with 2 shows per year. During those times, I’ve lost a lot of friendships and I’ve also created new ones. I’ve had people say things to me when they greet me like “I hope you’re not competing so we can have fun!” Or comment about how skinny I was for competition and how they prefer me at another weight. Where is old Linds and when is she coming back? After years of these comments, you learn to shrug it off because at the end of the day not everyone will understand what the hell you’re doing and why. But it does hinder me from wanting to compete again. Maybe these same issues will happen again and I will lose people, friendships and become isolated and alone. Maybe I will place terribly and it will all be for nothing. There are so many variables, but the main reason I’m holding back is. am I mentally ready again? Am I ready for the drastic change, the grind, the pressure that it puts on all aspects of my life. Also, is my metabolism ready? This would be the longest time that I’ve taken off between preps, but is it long enough? The thing about your metabolism is, you never know where it is until you try to cut again. Sometimes you’ve made zero progress and you’re right back to where you were last prep. crushing hours of cardio and tapping out on your calories. It's a very mixed bag.

To begin to figure out some direction and get some goals in place, I’ve hired some help. I wanted to start fresh so I’ve started working with someone I’ve never worked with before who came highly recommended. We’ve decided at this current time to just get some consistency going. Get back to a structured training schedule and to hit macros on a regular basis. To see where my metabolism sits and honestly, to feel better about fitness all around. My goal right now is to just FEEL better right now and stop worrying so much about the future. I’m always worrying about possibly getting in the way of a cut in the future, but that's getting in the way of being comfortable right now. After reaching out to someone and getting some accountability, feedback and direction I feel 100% better. Not everyone needs a coach, and I used to feel bad for needing that direction. I am a coach and a trainer, but I am not God and I love direction and accountability too. I’m anxious to see what’s to come for me and to share it all with you guys. Motivation is back! and it’s looking for a specific goal again. Thanks so much for reading these little memoirs! They are truly my <3 and Soul.