Current Struggles

These past few weeks I’ve really been struggling to find a balance with fitness and my diet. It’s very difficult as an athlete to have this grey area where there is no set goal. It’s interesting when people remind you to enjoy this time of “freedom” and to just have fun with it. The thing is, for some of us…having a goal in the gym IS fun. We love to push ourselves and watch ourselves grow in the mean time.

I’ve been in my off season for 9 month now and I’m beginning to feel that need for some direction. Not necessarily to compete, but to have someone teach me and direct me. I’ve always enjoyed structure, rules and being disciplined physically. I love having accountability and being able to ask questions or voice concerns. Growing up, I always enjoyed organized sports and being challenged. Lately, I don’t feel challenged at all. I feel lost and confused. Normally when I feel this way, I try and find the source. This time, its my own fitness journey. I don’t feel like I’m growing, learning, changing or being challenged.

I always preach about having direction in the gym or the kitchen if you’re feeling lost and confused. Well, this is where I currently am. I’ve tried making programs for myself, changing up my routine, counting macros and taking progress pics. But then I just stop because I promised myself I would take this time to chill. What if I don’t want to chill? What if I’m meant to be this person who loves the challenge and the accountability.

That’s the struggle I often deal with. If I set a goal for myself, I will not stop until I reach it. My goal was to take a break from extreme fitness and to catch up on life. Well after 9 months, I’m ready for a personal challenge. I’m always afraid to change my mind or make a mistake. But if you know you miss something and you’re not happy. Why continue with the goal? Why not follow your heart and do what you know will make you happy in the end?

Talking to a friend the other day, they totally called me out on my shit. They asked me what would be so wrong if I started getting some help again (fitness coach). I said because I told myself I would take 12 months off. Their reply was “Because that would mean you changed your mind and you failed your goal. You wanted to be able to reach 12 and you only reached 9.” Which is so true. I wanted to be “cool” and relax and be one of those girls who goes for drinks and appies and is like “One more margarita please!” or not go to the gym for a week and be ok with it. But the harder I try to be this person, the more I miss structure and discipline. Also, knowing one more margarita would mean 40 grams of sugar! Ignorance is sometimes bliss ??

In the past 9 months, have I mindlessly indulged in the food department as much as I’ve wanted to? Absolutely. I’ve had days where I’ve just sat around eating chocolates and feeling sick (Christmas). I’ve also had days where I’ve drank too much wine and was sick the next day (don’t ask). I’ve also had weeks where I haven’t wanted to hit the gym at all when I’m used to loving the gym 5-6 times a week. Balance can mean so many different things. It can mean not tracking at all and eating intuitively, hitting the gym or being active a few times a week and spending time with friends. But it can also mean all of these things and having someone guide you along the way to remind you of what your goals are and to push you when you don’t feel like pushing yourself.

Once I decide who I will be training with, I will be posting a little more on my goals. Right now, goals in general need to be set. I’m excited to get some things in order again and have been feeling guilty about feeling this way. But why feel guilty over something you know in your heart will make you happy? My decision on a coach will be carefully made and I want to train with someone who has a wide variety of knowledge and can teach me things that I can take with me to help others. The search is on! If you have recommendations, please don’t hesitate to comment or shoot them my way.

When you’re feeling low and down in the dumps, ask yourself what really is that root cause and how can it be fixed. What will make you happy in the end.