I myself started competing in 2013 and competed consecutively for 4 years following, and I understand the passion and the desire to want to compete. Hell, when I started competing I really had no idea why I even wanted to compete. I just knew that I wanted to be challenged mentally and physically and to get back into some sort of spotlight. Now, after having a few different coaches, competing 8 times, seeing the dark side and bright side of competing I feel like I can put together some sort of list of things to keep in mind before you decide to take that next step for yourself.
1.       Why do you want to compete?
I genuinely believe that the number of people wanting to compete would be a lot less, if social media didn’t exist. When I started competing, I didn’t have Instagram and a “gym selfie” wasn’t part of my vocabulary. I started because I was already attending the gym 6 days a week, my diet was in check (eating a whole food based diet 80% of the time) and my mental health was in great shape. I had a great relationship with food and with myself! In fact, I loved my body and how incredibly fit I was. I had no overuse injuries, I was lean, and I loved to run and lift weights. Everything I did was in moderation. I would eat out with friends, drink wine on occasion and I never felt guilty over it. I genuinely just wanted to be challenged in the sport, and see if it was something that I would enjoy full time as a hobby. I believe now that it’s become this fad. Everyone wants to compete and impress others by saying they’ve done it. Because It’s on their “bucket list” or they want to do a photo shoot around the time of their show. Be sure that the reasons you want to compete outweigh the reasons you shouldn’t. Is it a matter of being a little more strict with dieting and adding some cardio? Are you already living the lifestyle? Or are you going from 0-100 in a matter of days.
2.       What is your daily activity like?
Looking back, I definitely was doing too much cardio leading up to my first show. But everyone thinks that they need to “Get in shape before they get in shape”.  I was doing 30mins of cardio 5x a week which in my opinion is quite a bit. When you’re trying to lean out and create a caloric deficit, you need to increase activity, and decrease calories.  The only place for me to go from there was up. Starting a prep at 150 mins per week is not ideal. Tapering these numbers back a few months before prep, would have been a smarter approach. By then end of my first prep, I was doing two a-days at the gym and my cardio was up to 90mins per day. Keep these numbers in mind because this could very well be you. You could be spending 3-4 hours a day in the gym just to ensure you’re hitting your body fat percentage mark.
3.       What is your daily caloric intake?
I recently took the time to calculate my daily caloric intake before I started competing, and I was consuming on average about 1800 calories a day (weighing 135lbs). My metabolic rate was pretty fire if you ask me, because I was always hungry! I remember preparing breakfast for company one morning and cooking and entire cup of oats. My gf stopped me and said, “I’m not going to eat all that” I said, “This is for me” Ha-ha! Food was fuel and I fueled myself according to my day and my activity. If you’re currently dieting and you’re maintenance calories (calories needed to maintain your weight) are low relative to your body weight, I would NOT recommend competing. I would recommend a reverse diet before you attempt a contest prep. What’s a reverse diet? I have a video on my YouTube channel explaining exactly what that is and how it’s beneficial to your long-term goals. Priming your metabolism for a cut is something that’s rarely discussed and VERY important.
 
4.       Are you Ready to diet for at least 8 months?
Most people assume that all of the hard work starts before you compete. You diet down for 12 weeks (if you’re lucky enough to respond quickly and have minimal fat to lose) and that’s it! You’re shredded for life! When realistically, if you’re smart about the entire process it takes a lot longer than that. I generally start monitoring my diet at about 24 weeks out (6 months) from my contest. A prep for me takes 20 weeks of serious tracking and training. Once show day comes and goes, I’m automatically on to a reverse diet (slowly increasing calories, while decreasing activity) for another 12-16 weeks. So, for 8 months out of the year, I’m meticulously paying attention to what I’m doing. Many people will diet for a contest, and rebound due to the lack of reverse dieting. They stop doing cardio, and eat too many calories for their metabolism to catch up. You need to remember that you’ve been slowly decreasing calories for months, and your metabolism has adapted. It’s going to take equal amounts of effort and time to reduce your level of activity and increase your calories to where they were before you started prep.
 
5.       Do you suffer from mental health issues?
Many believe that competing will solve their body image issues. They believe that if they can see their abs, they will be confident. I can tell you that I’ve been 123lbs and 157lbs with in the span of 8 months and the number that I see on the scale makes no difference. If anything, seeing yourself at a level of body fat which is not sustainable, is harder to accept. Ignorance is sometimes bliss, and accepting that It’s for one day, and one day only is the most important thing to keep in mind when deciding to compete. You need to realize that you are striving for unrealistic, and un natural body fat percentages to win a trophy, or for some just so say you’ve done it. If you currently struggle with eating disorders or disordered eating, competitive bodybuilding wouldn’t cure these issues either. It’s very easy to get caught up in contest preps and become addicted to competing. I’ve seen many people compete year-round and never allow themselves to take a break. It’s easy to keep competing, it’s much harder to take a break and watch from the sidelines. 
 
Bodybuilding competitively is a very serious commitment. You’re drastically changing your life daily for a very small “win”.  I want people to remember that if they decide to compete, this is for ten seconds on stage and at most, a possible title or trophy. It doesn’t outweigh any other priorities in your life and no matter how many times you win/lose that the way you feel about yourself is what matters most. Your family will still love you no matter the outcome and PLEASE keep yourself accountable with possible depression or anxiety issues. It’s very easy to experience either during a contest prep, especially afterwards when the lights fade and there is no contest in sight. The line between “healthy” and “fit” is very thin. You can be the most aesthetically pleasing person on stage and be the unhealthiest person inside. There are other ways to feel good about yourself, ways that don’t include such drastic measures. Competing isn’t for everyone, which is why only some make it through their first prep and continue to do another, and that's ok! If you’re wanting to push yourself and have a goal, try something less extreme. Set yourself a long-term realistic goal and have someone keep you accountable. Book a photo shoot for yourself, plan a trip, or hire someone to teach you about health and fitness for some motivation. Be real with yourself and really think about whether this particular goal is worth all of the sacrifice needed just to step on stage #bikinidiaries



 

Thanksgiving is coming up and you're so looking forward to stuffing your face full of turkey, mashed potatoes and pumpkin cheesecake (not a fan of pumpkin pie). You've been working hard at losing weight and this is going to be one epic cheat day for you! You deserve this and what's one day of over indulgences? One day won't hurt. Actually, one day is all it can take to totally and completely derail you're entire progress to date. I'm not referring to a re-feed, I'm talking about a full on binge which most of us take part in.

So you've been really good about going to the gym and eating healthy. You've lost weight and have been seeing results, so treat yo self! As they say. But this is a sure way to regain weight fast and have a hell of a time getting it back off. When people think of calories consumed, they think of a daily total, right? Well when you are tallying up your calories, you should really be thinking of the numbers as a 7 day total. Examples of numbers would be 1500 calories per day which is 10,500 calories per week! Let's say you consumed your 1500 calories Mon-Fri and then Saturday comes and you have a "cheat day" for thanksgiving. You blow your 1500 and consume 3000 calories which believe me, is quite easy to do by having the common Thanksgiving feast. Creamy Mashed potatoes , stuffing, fresh baked buns with butter, salads with hidden calories in the dressings, cheese pladders, and let's not forget the home baked goods and desserts. Oh! And you're more than likely to have a glass of wine or two with dinner and maybe one more afterwards because you've now got a thanksgiving buzz happening (150 calories per glass of wine=450 calories). With all of these added calories, you've now upped your daily average of calories to 1928 Which is nearly 500 calories more per day than what you had planned. It may not seem like a lot, but it can easily shock your body and cause you to regain back all the weight that you've worked so hard to lose. 

After dinner, you head home feeling stuffed and lethargic. You may have had to unbutton your pants, lay down, and maybe even take a nap. The next day, you wake up to check the scale and shocker! you're up 5lbs. Yes, some of this is water weight from the higher amount of calories than what you're used to, but some of it is fat due to the binge you've just taken part in. So now you panic and reduce your calories to lower than you were consuming before the feast. You now have lost patience and want instant results. So, 1300 calories will do the trick! Thus starts the battle of continuing to decrease calories further damaging your metabolism and setting yourself up for a possible binge in the future.

Now, I'm not here to tell you to starve yourself at thanksgiving or to miss out on the turkey filled festivities. I'm merely here to give you some insight on how to avoid stepping on the scale after your holiday feast, and beating yourself up for over indulging and self sabotaging your goals. Here are a few ways that I stay on track during meals such as these to avoid the self loathing and the regression of my fitness goals.

1. Plan ahead! If I think of foods that I'm looking forward to, I will save room in my daily calories/macros for  in my day.
2. Don't starve yourself for the meal! This will only cause you to over eat.
3. Plan to have a meal when you get home- I always plan to have a protein smoothie when I get home to have something to look forward to! If I'm too full to have it, I know I've over done it.
4. I don't drink at occasions such as these because I would rather eat my calories than drink them
5. Engage in conversations, not what's available to eat. 
6. TRACK! If you track what give eaten, it's not a free for all and it will keep you sensible in your decisions. 

These are all ways that you can still enjoy yourself with your family, moderately indulge in the delicious foods and still keep yourself accountable. Most of all, be accountable and have self control. Enjoy the holidays! If that all goes to hell in a hand basket, I’m always here to help :)

 

 

"OK, now spread your legs and play with your hair"

Now you're wondering, what the hell have I begun to read? But this is a clean story and no one gets naked, I promise you that. When I began my journey in the fitness industry, I had never done any serious photo shoots. To me, those were meant for models and professionals. The pictures you are taking must end up in a magazine. Otherwise, why would you spend money to have them taken and what's the purpose? I had a social media account for FB, But I wasn't on Instagram. I posted photo's of friends, and family events. During my first bikini prep in 2013, I took countless photos for my coach of my physique progressing, but it never occurred to me to share it with anyone via social media. If the topic came up and someone I was close with asked to see photo's, I would show them. Progress photo's to me are private and personal and I didn't feel like anyone else would care about my progress. I also felt that was somewhat “showing my cards”.

My girlfriend and I were shopping one day in the grocery store for "zero calorie foods" (desperate times) and she wanted to snap a photo of us with "hashtags" of bikini and bodybuilding. I said "A what?" she said "A hashtag. For Instagram!” I was clueless. She then described to me what Instagram was and told me I should download it because there are a lot of bikini pro's who have it and you can "Follow" them for motivation. I still didn't understand, why isn't Face Book enough? She explained to me that Instagram is all photos. Like a photo album of peoples lives. I thought that was a little creepy, but I would download it anyways.  Initially I  downloaded the app, but never bothered to search anyone or post many photos. I went through my entire 2013 prep with out posting a single progress photo or looking at any other competitors. I focused on myself and stayed in my lane. That year I had gotten engaged. Any photos that I posted were of me and my fiancé, or mostly of our corgi. Closer to our competition,  that same gf that I had previously mentioned, offered to take photos of me with her professional camera. Nothing fancy, just simple photos of my progress, striking bikini poses. She wanted to get more experience behind the camera, and I just wanted some memorabilia of my first and possibly only bikini prep.

In 2014 I was in my second year of prep, getting ready for provincials and my goal was first place. I also had a wedding to plan. My Instagram or social media photos were of my wedding, my honeymoon or family events. I decided as a gift to my husband to hire a professional photographer to take boudoir photos. During our session, I brought up the idea of taking a few fitness like shots to mark the memory for me. I kept the majority of these photos and posted 2 out of the hundreds that were taken. One was of myself running and the other was of myself setting up in blocks to take off for a sprint. Very fitness/bikini competitor themed. 

As time went on and I became more familiar with Instagram and "fitspo's". One of my friends suggested that I follow a very famous fitspo. I looked up her Instagram account and instead of seeing work out videos, or fitness photography. Her profile was photos of her half naked in lingerie striking extremely racy poses. My original thought was "How is THIS fitness?" I was confused and messaged my friend about the profile. "What does this have to do with fitness? she's in her bra and panties bending over..." But this is something that is so common now in the fitness industry. If you want to be noticed in the industry on social media and get followers, you have to be willing to show some skin. Because sex sells in any industry. Most of the big names in the industry strike saucy poses and wear lingerie in their pictures and hashtag the photos with something fitness related like #bootygoals. I can appreciate a great physique and a beautiful woman as much as anyone else, but I appreciate the photo a lot more when the caption has a deeper meaning than the photo. I also believe there is a lot more to fitness than being in your underwear for photo shoots, and posting pictures of your ass in a thong on a daily basis.

I feel like because there are photos such as these on social media that are taken by popular fitpo's, I as a fitness professional and bikini competitor am stereotyped into this category. If I'm sponsored, I must post half naked pictures all the time. If I am a competitor,  I must share my progress photos weekly and show off my ripped physique. But most of all, I must be willing to wear certain outfits in photo shoots and strike the "basic fit girl poses". showing your side boob, covering just your nipple and bending over in a teeny tiny bikini. 

During a photo shoot, I was getting my outfits ready while the photographer was expressing their visions. 'I think we will start you here in a bikini and -" I cut them off and said "I didn't bring a bikini.." The photographer looked at me in shock and said "You what?.." I replied and said "I don't shoot in bikini's. It's not my thing". The response was utter disappointment. "A bikini competitor who doesn't shoot in bikini's.." You can imagine how that set the tone for the first half of the shoot. At one point I was sitting on the ground and instructed to spread my legs and play with my hair while smiling at the camera. I'm not one not mince words, so my reply was "That's not the type of image I'm trying to display. So I won't be doing either of those things." After saying this statement, the photographer seemed to have gotten the point I was trying to get across. I don't blame the photographer, I blame the stereotype that's been set for us as females in the fitness industry. If I choose to post any photo of myself from any shoots, I'm immediately wondering who is thinking I'm full of myself or categorizing me in with the rest of these women.

I’m not ashamed of any of the photo’s that I have posted, because to me they are beautiful and meaningful in some way. I do however believe that a photo in lingerie, perhaps laying down on a bed should be saved for something that's not related to fitness photography. We are selling ourselves short by categorizing photos such as these into a fitness category. Break the mold!



 

I was recently looking for a new vehicle (seems like this is an annual thing) and I had the most interesting talk with the salesman. I was sitting in the dealership  while the "big guy" crunched numbers for us, to see what type of deal they could come up with for me. We will call this salesman Bob :) just to be respectful of his privacy. Bob leaves to speak with one of the higher ups, and comes back with a peace of paper with a number written on to it, to indicate just how low of a price they could accept from me for the vehicle. I looked at the price, and there was no second guessing. My answer was no thank you. I said "Thank you guys so much for all you've done, but I'm not prepared to spend that type of money on a vehicle". They both sort of looked at one another and Bob asked what I was looking to spend. I gave him a firm number to which he replied "You know, you could just finance the rest" I responded and said "I’m aware of that. However, I don't finance vehicles. If I can't afford something, I don't buy it" again they exchanged glances and the higher up salesman smiled and said "That’s not a problem, I respect your answer" and left. A few minutes pass while Bob and I are finishing conversation and he returns  back to inform us that some wires had been crossed and the vehicle was already sold for the asking price. So the option of my even having the vehicle was out of the question anyways. 

 

Bob and I sat back and I again thanked him and repeated the fact that I don't finance vehicles. "I'm sure it's a good deal Bob, and I appreciate you attempting to  pull strings. But, I've never been one to spend beyond my means anyways, especially on materialistic things. And I'm not about to start now". Bob said "You know what, what you just said really impressed me...You're a very smart woman and I can tell just by speaking with you that you have really great ethics and morals." Who the hell says that kind of thing to you? Like, ever let alone in a dealership. I thanked him and said that I work hard for my $ (she works hard for her money!..had to say that) and I choose carefully how I spend it. Bob asked out of curiosity what I spend my money on. I said a gym membership, gym shoes, supplements, food and sometimes wine ?? I also said that I recently moved here from SK and started a business so I'm in no position to fork over money that I don't have. He laughed and asked if I was married? I said recently separated and now with my boyfriend. He seemed in disbelief. He asked how old I was followed by a guess of 23. I said I was going to be 30 in 6 months. His eyes widened and he said "30?!! You are a well preserved 30 and I must say, a very mature and wise young woman for your age. Obviously it's because you take care of yourself and spend your money on the right things. Such a positive attitude and outlook on life." I thanked him and he walked me to my jeep. On the way out, he shook my hand and said "I have to say it's been a pleasure meeting you. Very nice conversation and you're such a pleasant person to talk with. Keep that attitude always”.

 

Now, for some this may seem like a boring story. "Yeah, the sales guy was a shmoozer and he was trying to sell you something" But for me, these are the interactions with people that I love to have. Not because he told me that I looked young for my age, but because he was impressed with my character. I often say that I feel like I have the intentions, the energy, and the attitude of a 22 year old, but I have LIVED the life of someone in their late 40's to mid 50's. I've lost a parent, along with many family members. I've had a career in law enforcement before finding my passion for fitness and starting my own business. I've bought a home, sold a home. Fallen in love, fallen out of love. Been married, been separated. I've moved COUNTLESS times and have met so many people along the way. In these times yes, I've been sad and depressed and definitely had days where I truly felt like there was no bright days ahead. But something that I feel I've kept with me through out this life is my ability to laugh. Laugh at myself and definitely laugh at others because that's what I do if you're friends with me. People often meet me and think that I'm younger than I am, because I admit I a little stunned and possibly a little “immature”. I goof off, make silly faces and impersonate my dad in the same weird voice that sounds nothing like my dad. But most of all, I don't take myself too seriously. My true age is 29.  I've had things happen to me, but I've also chosen my life's path. Someone told me recently that they know someone else who is in similar circumstances as I am, but the person makes it obvious that they are. You can tell because they've allowed certain negativities and events in their life consume them. It consumes every single minute of every day. They wake up and that's the first thought in their head. It consumes their thoughts, their conversations, their work and their sleep.  We've all done this at one point or another, but how is this healing? How does obsessing over a negative happening in your life, make it better. Accepting your reality is a must, yes. But calling yourself a victim of life is hardly a life at all. 

Choosing to be the victim is easy. Poor me, feel sorry for me. I consider myself to be an empathetic person, but I also will be the first to wipe my own tears and get on with the show. When my transmission went and I received a call at work about how much a new one would cost. My throat immediately closed up and I had to choke back tears. After I hung up I could feel my eyes burning.  My co-worker asked if I was ok (which for me are trigger words to open the flood gates) I smiled an awkward smile and sarcastically said "Oh. I'm unreal, thanks". For a good portion of the day I would cry in private, and come back to the floor. A few times I was  crying and then had to answer the phone! " (sniff) Lindsay speaking". Not ideal, but you get through it. At the end of the day my coworker said "Good for you for handling that news the way you did. I can tell your not happy about it,  but you didn't let it ruin your whole day".  PAH! Oh it put a god damn rift into my entire savings.. but I choose not to let it affect me and the way that interact with others. Why? Because I can't control it. But more importantly, the more you talk about negativity, the more you bring on for yourself. Let that shit go! Find some happy for yourself and focus on those instead. It is very easy to focus on things you hate, rather than the people and the places that you love. When something negative happens in your life, remember that there is always tomorrow to start all over again. Take comfort in knowing that a situation could always be worse, and that there is a reason that you are going through the situations that you are. And when that reason finally becomes clear to you, the feeling of realization is incredible. 

Everyone has their "thing". That something they prefer to splurge on each month out of their hard earned dollars. For some it's getting their hair done ( I haven't done that in a full year). Or,  maybe its a massage ( again, been about a year) and for others it could be anything from shopping (rare) to getting their nails done (never). It's usually something we do to keep ourselves "up" and to feel like we've progressed or better ourselves in some way. For me, It's having a fitness/nutritional coach. 

When I was in my depression "funk" in the winter of this year (2017), I couldn't figure out what was missing. I thought it was competing in bodybuilding and I struggled so hard to find out that wasn't necessarily the case. I was feeling so misguided and confused. I would enter the gym and wonder around aimlessly. Take trips in and out the kitchen snacking on food like a bottomless pit, waiting for a "we're full" signal or for someone to stop me. This is what happens when you're a bikini competitor who is used to this kind of guidance for four consecutive years, it's difficult to not have that structure anymore. A person who loves and craves discipline, along with direction. I enjoy having guidelines to follow, but most of all I enjoy having accountability from someone to ensure that I'm keeping on task with my goals. I consider myself to be self motivated, but I also require a goal and sometimes a little outside "push" to get the job done.

Some wonder why as a personal trainer and fitness coach, I would need a trainer? I like to think of it as any other profession. Teachers were taught by someone else and they continue to learn in other ways. Your doctor has a doctor, your hair dresser has a hair dresser and your personal trainer usually has a personal trainer or someone that they look to for guidance. But my reasoning for having a coach, runs a little deeper than this. 

As a perfectionist and someone who struggles with anxiety and is an emotional eater, it can be easy for me to over/under eat and over train. I'm an all or nothing kind of person who has struggled with these tendencies  for years. I personally started to struggle with my relationship with food after high school, and it continued on until I started bodybuilding. Having a coach (not specific to bikini prep) was such an amazing way for me to be sure that I was eating ENOUGH on a regular basis and to also keep me accountable with emotional binges (restrict and binge cycle). A coach forced me to learn new exercises, and to build muscle instead of focusing on cardio only.  Most of all, a coach taught me that eating ENOUGH was very important to progress. Carbs? AND protein 6x per day.. what?! I had never eaten so much in my life! But considering my first attempt with a coach was for an extreme weight loss, this structured way of living caused food anxiety.  After measuring everything out to the gram perfectly for so many years (4 years off and on) you start to become one track minded. I do however feel like it is possible to find balance while being accountable, as opposed to being ridiculously rigid all the time and measuring protein powder on a god damn scale. 

I personally believe that if you have ever struggled with any sort of disordered eating habits or an eating disorder, it's very difficult not to fall Back into that old mind set. We as women often feel pressured to be small, tiny and petite. If you've ever restricted calories, then convincing yourself that "eating more is a good thing" is not an easy task. Whether you struggle with not eating enough, or eating too much I feel like having someone to check in with, is one of the many benefits to having a fitness/nutrition coach. "Hey, here I am and here was my week. How am I doing?" Each week when I perform my check-ins and review my previous week, I feel accomplished and well.. happy! I'm not someone who tosses out compliments left and right and I'm most certainly not the person who pats myself on the back as often As I should. "Great job Linds!" Isn't something I mumble to myself very often and that's a problem. But! I enjoy having feedback from someone else and most of all the constructive criticism, critiques, and advice a coach can give me. I enjoy the guidance along my fitness journey, but most of all it keeps my mental health in check. It's easy for me to over do things and take them to an unnecessary extreme.

Now, how often do you find a great groove and then fall all off because you "don't have time" or because you "have so much going on" ? I have experienced this myself, as well as have had many clients and friends experience it. The last time I thought I needed a break from having a coach it was merely because I had so much going on in my life that I felt I couldn't be accountable (sound familiar?) The thing about being accountable is, it's exactly that. Even If you had a less than desirable week, you make note of it. Put it in a "check-in" and tell someone! "Hey look, I fucked up. But I'm trying! This week will be better and thank you for guiding me." That way you're able to acknowledge what's happening and save yourself from obliviously digging yourself deeper into a hole of possible extreme weight gain. I took a "break" from coaching in 2016 during the most emotional winter of my life, and it resulted in a weight gain of 25lbs. What did I learn? That given my emotional eating tendencies, and my past eating habits, I need a coach and that its ok! To ask for help. I thought I needed a break from someone else's critiques and someone else's judgment, but what I needed was a break from my own high, unrealistic expectations. Your coach is there to help guide you through the shit and make it a little less shittier. They're not there to make you feel worse about the week that you were too sick or busy to hit the gym, or that time you had a blizzard for Breakfast. They're there for support and to remind you that even on the worst weeks, you can still progress from here! 

For anyone who is struggling to find balance in their relationship with food or fitness, I've been the one restricting AND over doing cardio. I've been the one restricting, and then binging and feeling the guilt afterwards. I've also been the one feeling as if I can't ever leave home with out a packed meal, or a food scale because I'm so worried about the portion sizes of food. There is a balance and for everyone the solution to balance can look a little different. For me, that means having someone help keep me accountable. In no way am I saying that I'm an expert on the field, but I do believe that for me, having a rough estimate of what I'm putting in my body is a way of releasing some anxiety and stresses that I may carry with food. If you're someone who makes lists, you can understand how much stress and anxiety can instantly be lifted off of your shoulders from simply writing things down on a piece of paper. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help on your journey because there is always someone out there willing to lend a helping hand.

LOOK at the glorious, peanut buttery-chocolatey goodness! The sight of it even just makes my mouth water and I actually smile when I look at it. For real..LOOK AT IT!!!

Let's talk about the most recent time I felt so stressed, that food seemed like my only comfort. I consider myself an emotional eater, because less often do I "crave" sweets when I'm actually hungry. I normally gravitate towards certain foods when I'm stressed and I want/need a release of energy. 
 
Most recently, I had been going through a lot of change. Our condo had been sold and the move out date was Aug. 15th and we were unable to move in to our new place until September 1 (two weeks from move out date). This would put us back staying at my parent’s place, commuting 30-45 mins to and from work and trying to accommodate my love/need for the gym amongst all of it. I had also planned a 10.5-hour trip to Alberta for a family function on the weekend of the move in date (before I knew of this whole charade I might add). Times were... busy! To top it all off, I released my Fall Program which would be starting on September 4th, the Monday after all this madness. 
 
The time was coming closer to the weekend of the move and the family function. Our plan was to drive 10.5 hours to AB on the Friday, attend the function Saturday, drive back to Kelowna Sunday and move all our things from storage into our new place Monday (overachiever much?) this is what the mind of an over achiever looks like. I think I can do it all! So, I plan to do it all and when my expectations don't measure up with reality, I'm disappointed. Mostly in myself. On the Wednesday morning before the weekend, we were discussing our plans. As I was saying the plan out loud, I soon realized how ridiculous this all sounded. How the hell... are we going to do this all? After talking with Mike and one of my amazing friends, I decided that another family function would have to be missed. I had to weigh the pros and cons of the decision to go and not go and the realization was that I was only one woman and there were only two of us doing all the moving. 
 
"What's the big deal?" You might be thinking. “So, you missed a thing, who cares?!" The trouble is, I do. Family is very important to me and if at any time I feel as though I've let someone down, I feel very guilty. Especially if someone points out the fact that my decision to not attend could be miss perceived as a gesture of my "Not caring" enough to attend. People attend my functions and I want to return the favour by supporting them and attending theirs, but at what cost? 
 
After the decision had been made, I told family members and was feeling down about my decision. I had felt like a failure and mostly a shitty family member. Why can't I do both? Why can't I go, drive back and move us in one day? “Why am I not immortal?!" Is what it all comes down to. That evening I had a disagreement with a family member on the topic, as I was already in an emotional and guilt-ridden state of mind. If you're me, you can't sleep when you're angry, upset, or anxious. I tried to sleep, but I got very little of it that night. The entire time, I was thinking about ice cream... (yes ice cream). "I think if I have some, I'll feel better. I think that's what I need to get some sleep!" This is how your mind works when your emotional and love food. You use it as a coping mechanism. I Lay there tossing and turning waiting for Mike to come home and explain to him what happened and to save me from the ice cream! As soon as he got home, I could sit with him and explain to him how I was feeling while I snacked on a salad (hey it's progress). After getting everything out to Mike and releasing my “snacky energy”, I lay back to sleep. But I was still only able to get a few hours of snooze time. 
 
The next morning, I woke up dissatisfied and even more in funk. What did I have for breakfast you ask? Why ice cream and yogurt of course! At 6am this is what I had. Now, we could look at this from two ways. One-there was no sense in continuing to push passed this obsession with ice cream and just allow myself to have SOME and track what I had. I've spent many years avoiding the foods that I love out of sheer terror that they will instantly make me fat. Or two-I'm a failure who submitted to my cravings and had some ice cream for breakfast on a bad day. I've spent too long being number two-so I'm choosing to go with option one :) 
 
Emotional eating is exactly as it sounds. It's emotional! You are constantly trying to decipher between actual hunger and just feeling like you need to be comforted in some way. I love sugary foods because they give you the sense of a release and you feel AMAZING while you're enjoying/indulging. I also love the gym and the endorphins that are released while I'm exerting energy and training hard in the gym. Does loving both make me a bad person? I think I will always fight with wanting to comfort myself with food because to me, it's an easy way to find comfort with out seeming weak or vulnerable. I'm not asking anyone for help, or to listen to me. I'm simply comforting myself with treats and feel good foods which in my opinion, is an independent way of finding comfort. I CAN DO IT MYSELF! BUT! This is not the way to find comfort in difficult situations in life. Talking things out and finding a solution to the pain and struggle is the more difficult, but healthier approach to a problem or a feeling. I used to wonder why the girl in the movies would be eating something as delicious as ice cream when she was sad. Sitting in her room, alone, crying  and eating ice cream. When you’re little, you don’t understand this. But when you grow up, you most certainly do. I feel as though its a way for us independent ladies to comfort ourselves with out actually having to seek out comfort. We are too proud to ask someone to help make us feel better emotionally, so we eat our feelings instead.

I scream, you scream? We all scream for... ;) FEELINGS!





 

 

Let's talk a little about my perfectionist tendencies, shall we? I've always been somewhat of a go getter. If you give me a goal that I accept and am passionate about, I will dig deep to reach that goal. I will strap my tunnel vision goggles on and go! This can be both a blessing as well as a curse. I'm always seemingly climbing a mountain to reach the top. But once I reach it, I don't actually allow myself to enjoy the view. I don't take a moment, breath in the crisp air and enjoy the scenery. I reach it, maybe do a little :) and then I'm looking for the next mountain to climb. 

 

The other day, I was feeling the feels of a perfectionist until I had somewhat of an outer body experience. I said out loud "Stop it". I got out my journal and wrote "2017 goals" and afterwards, I listed what I wanted to accomplish.

1. Move to Kelowna
2. Start Fitness Consulting business
3. Start a website
4. Work at a golf course
5. Work with a modelling agency and do a shoot

 

Out of these 5 things, I can say that I've accomplished 4 of them while number 5 is taking place on August 12th. Doing something as simple as writing something down and putting it out into the universe to acknowledge it, makes such a big difference. I was then able to relax a little and see, that progress has been made. I was also able to leave a little room for maybe some extra projects for 2017 as it's a little over halfway over (crazy I know). But 7 months in to 2017 I've reached my goals and I should be patting myself on the back and saying, "Good job". Meanwhile I'm looking for something better, bigger, and more challenging that I can accomplish. I'm sure that some of you can relate. 

 

While I'm looking for more challenges, life is throwing them to me in ways that I wasn't necessarily looking for. Our place in Kelowna has been sold and it took us a lot of effort to find it in January. So, after settling in and accepting that is my home, I need to detach myself once again and accept another new home. They say change is good, that change helps us grow. I do believe in self growth and rolling with the punches, but I will also say that it isn't easy to accept things that are beyond your control when you are someone like me. I enjoy routine, structure and of course control. But I wanted a challenge, and so I will accept it. The place we are moving to has a larger backyard for Gatsby and we will make it home. Challenge accepted

I’ve started a fat loss phase in the midst of the 2017 chaos. I say chaos because that’s just how my life has felt for the past 6-8 months. For the first few months of 2017, I felt as though I’ve been living someone else’s life. living in their home, in their city, going to their job and most of all.. living in their body. I would wake up unsure of what to do with the day because my job was now to promote my business (because that’s a very descriptive and detailed job?). Thinking of things to do would consume and overwhelm me. My duty now instead of focusing on a bikini prep, was to focus on my business. I would make lists of things to do and while doing them, become so overwhelmed with stress that I would eat. I’m an emotional eater, so when I’m anxious I eat or drink in excess. It’s a hard habit to break which is why bodybuilding is a great mix of dedication and a reason not to let yourself binge eat while stressed! Months went by and while I was in fact building a new life, and a business.. I was losing myself along the way. Losing my passion for fitness, discipline and purpose. Working from home was not at all what I thought it would be. I missed seeing faces and seeing the smile. Having candid conversations, being present and in the moment.

I soon became depressed over my lifestyle and how each day seemed to just run in with the next. Working on my computer for hours just was not at all my idea of a productive life. While I enjoy making programs for people and helping them with their fitness goals,  I needed more than that. One day Mike came home and asked how my day was and I responded with tears. He asked what was the matter and I responded with “I don’t think I like this..” Meaning my current routine. Enter Kelowna golf and country club

After my mom passed my family became very involved in golf. It was something my dad thought we could do as a family. As an active/athletic family, golf seemed like a great way to do that. My brothers and I got into golf early on in life. I was 12, Brett was 7 and Derek was 16 at the time.  We came to Kelowna to visit a relative and golfed at a few of the local courses. While Kelowna has some amazing courses, the round that stuck out most in my memory was this gorgeous, amazing, prestigious course that had a massive cliff on the 6th hole. I’ll never forget how I felt that day golfing with my brothers, my dad and my uncle. It was a perfect summer evening and we were all enjoying each other’s company and laughing about how many marmots were on the 6th hole sunbathing. My uncle who has since passed was so excited to be able to take us there and it definitely lived up to his hype.

When I was feeling low here in March of 2017, I researched golf courses and the one that came up closest to home was a 5 min drive. I applied for an interview and when I showed up, there was that damn cliff. I thought, could this be the course with my fond memories of my family? It was. I was so excited to land the job there in the back shop to get out of the house, be around people and of course get some golf games in! One of my goals was to take my mind off bikini prep (or lack there of) and focus on other activities, golf being one of them. A month at the course went by and I was into May now. Even with my new gig, I was still feeling extra down in the dumps. I couldn’t stand roaming the gym with little purpose. My diet was very inconsistent and I was gaining weight steadily. The more I tried to focus on other things, the more I missed bikini prep and structure. One day I had just had enough and decided that I was going to start a fat loss phase and light a fire again! The fact of the matter is, hard work and vigorous activity brings me joy. It releases stress, boosts endorphins and makes me happy.  I crave structure and guidance from others.

This time around with my fat loss journey, I’m no longer rushing the end result because I don’t have a stage to step onto in 16 weeks time. I’m merely tracking what I eat, keeping cardio moderate and just making adjustments where necessary with the help of a coach. Patience hasn’t always been my friend. With self growth, life challenges, work, family or relationships. But being kind and patient with myself can only bring positivity

Finally, I feel like I’ve begun to find a place of peace and happiness again in my fitness journey. Hell, even my life! I reached out to someone in the fitness Industry who is quite well known. I told them about my current struggles and just how unmotivated and stuck I was. Where was it you ask? Well, to say that I’ve totally quit competing all together, would be jumping the gun. The more that I try to convince myself that I never want to compete again or that I don’t miss it, the more I hear a voice in the back of my head whisper “Liar”. The truth is, I do miss it. I dream about it at least once a week and in my dreams, I'm happy on stage and filled with joy. Crazy, I know. I watch videos of bikini preps and show days and I get butterflies and instantly motivated. So, if I miss it so much, why not do it again?

Competing is a lot more dedication than some may think. It takes constant, overwhelming focus. Your life revolves around what you do and honestly? I love it. Some people find prep to be difficult because they’re often hungry, tired and sleep deprived. They feel like they’re missing out on life events and wish they could drink wine and eat cake and just relax. I personally suffer from more of a guilty feeling because I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I more so feel like others think I’ve missed out on certain things due to my past lifestyle and that I should feel like I’ve missed out. I feel like I should want to spend my time as most others do, surrounded by food and drink and staying up late.  I feel guilty for not feeling guilty if that makes any sense at all. Would you believe me when I say that even when I’m not in prep, I still don’t really drink alcohol often (maybe once a month) and I rarely stay up past 9:30pm. I’m always up before 6:00am even on the weekends and I am anxious and excited to get to the gym 6 days a week to get this energy and passion that lives inside of me out! To give it shape and give it sound. To give it purpose and watch it take form through movement and through sound.

I've had 4 consecutive years of competing with 2 shows per year. During those times, I’ve lost a lot of friendships and I’ve also created new ones. I’ve had people say things to me when they greet me like “I hope you’re not competing so we can have fun!” Or comment about how skinny I was for competition and how they prefer me at another weight. Where is old Linds and when is she coming back? After years of these comments, you learn to shrug it off because at the end of the day not everyone will understand what the hell you’re doing and why. But it does hinder me from wanting to compete again. Maybe these same issues will happen again and I will lose people, friendships and become isolated and alone. Maybe I will place terribly and it will all be for nothing. There are so many variables, but the main reason I’m holding back is. am I mentally ready again? Am I ready for the drastic change, the grind, the pressure that it puts on all aspects of my life. Also, is my metabolism ready? This would be the longest time that I’ve taken off between preps, but is it long enough? The thing about your metabolism is, you never know where it is until you try to cut again. Sometimes you’ve made zero progress and you’re right back to where you were last prep. crushing hours of cardio and tapping out on your calories. It's a very mixed bag.

To begin to figure out some direction and get some goals in place, I’ve hired some help. I wanted to start fresh so I’ve started working with someone I’ve never worked with before who came highly recommended. We’ve decided at this current time to just get some consistency going. Get back to a structured training schedule and to hit macros on a regular basis. To see where my metabolism sits and honestly, to feel better about fitness all around. My goal right now is to just FEEL better right now and stop worrying so much about the future. I’m always worrying about possibly getting in the way of a cut in the future, but that's getting in the way of being comfortable right now. After reaching out to someone and getting some accountability, feedback and direction I feel 100% better. Not everyone needs a coach, and I used to feel bad for needing that direction. I am a coach and a trainer, but I am not God and I love direction and accountability too. I’m anxious to see what’s to come for me and to share it all with you guys. Motivation is back! and it’s looking for a specific goal again. Thanks so much for reading these little memoirs! They are truly my <3 and Soul.

 

Current Struggles

These past few weeks I’ve really been struggling to find a balance with fitness and my diet. It’s very difficult as an athlete to have this grey area where there is no set goal. It’s interesting when people remind you to enjoy this time of “freedom” and to just have fun with it. The thing is, for some of us…having a goal in the gym IS fun. We love to push ourselves and watch ourselves grow in the mean time.

I’ve been in my off season for 9 month now and I’m beginning to feel that need for some direction. Not necessarily to compete, but to have someone teach me and direct me. I’ve always enjoyed structure, rules and being disciplined physically. I love having accountability and being able to ask questions or voice concerns. Growing up, I always enjoyed organized sports and being challenged. Lately, I don’t feel challenged at all. I feel lost and confused. Normally when I feel this way, I try and find the source. This time, its my own fitness journey. I don’t feel like I’m growing, learning, changing or being challenged.

I always preach about having direction in the gym or the kitchen if you’re feeling lost and confused. Well, this is where I currently am. I’ve tried making programs for myself, changing up my routine, counting macros and taking progress pics. But then I just stop because I promised myself I would take this time to chill. What if I don’t want to chill? What if I’m meant to be this person who loves the challenge and the accountability.

That’s the struggle I often deal with. If I set a goal for myself, I will not stop until I reach it. My goal was to take a break from extreme fitness and to catch up on life. Well after 9 months, I’m ready for a personal challenge. I’m always afraid to change my mind or make a mistake. But if you know you miss something and you’re not happy. Why continue with the goal? Why not follow your heart and do what you know will make you happy in the end?

Talking to a friend the other day, they totally called me out on my shit. They asked me what would be so wrong if I started getting some help again (fitness coach). I said because I told myself I would take 12 months off. Their reply was “Because that would mean you changed your mind and you failed your goal. You wanted to be able to reach 12 and you only reached 9.” Which is so true. I wanted to be “cool” and relax and be one of those girls who goes for drinks and appies and is like “One more margarita please!” or not go to the gym for a week and be ok with it. But the harder I try to be this person, the more I miss structure and discipline. Also, knowing one more margarita would mean 40 grams of sugar! Ignorance is sometimes bliss ??

In the past 9 months, have I mindlessly indulged in the food department as much as I’ve wanted to? Absolutely. I’ve had days where I’ve just sat around eating chocolates and feeling sick (Christmas). I’ve also had days where I’ve drank too much wine and was sick the next day (don’t ask). I’ve also had weeks where I haven’t wanted to hit the gym at all when I’m used to loving the gym 5-6 times a week. Balance can mean so many different things. It can mean not tracking at all and eating intuitively, hitting the gym or being active a few times a week and spending time with friends. But it can also mean all of these things and having someone guide you along the way to remind you of what your goals are and to push you when you don’t feel like pushing yourself.

Once I decide who I will be training with, I will be posting a little more on my goals. Right now, goals in general need to be set. I’m excited to get some things in order again and have been feeling guilty about feeling this way. But why feel guilty over something you know in your heart will make you happy? My decision on a coach will be carefully made and I want to train with someone who has a wide variety of knowledge and can teach me things that I can take with me to help others. The search is on! If you have recommendations, please don’t hesitate to comment or shoot them my way.

 

When you’re feeling low and down in the dumps, ask yourself what really is that root cause and how can it be fixed. What will make you happy in the end.

Do I miss competing? Some days I can say “You bet your ass I do.” I miss waking up and crushing cardio with authority while thinking about my goals. I miss going to bed thinking of my goals and then dreaming about them while I sleep. I miss picturing myself winning that Pro Card. I miss having a very specific goal and having a coach, someone to give me direction. For me, competing is much more than just getting lean and wearing a bikini in front of a crowd of people. It’s pushing myself, and challenging myself to work as hard as possible and give myself zero excuses to not reach those goals. I’m a very dedicated and hard working person when my goal is clear cut. Especially if the goal requires physical work. Lift this, run here, eat this and not that… it gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.  Having “X” number of weeks to hit a goal spikes my adrenaline and fires me up! Some people get anxiety over having that pressure, but it just further motivates me to dig deeper and push harder.

Some would wonder, if that’s what made you happy then why would you stop? I go back and forth with my love for competing. Is it competing that I miss? or just having a specific goal, direction and a black and white path to my goal. No one likes the grey areas, we all want the black and white because there’s less room for error or thinking that we're lost. Competing again at this point in my life would be the seemingly easy way out. I would be able to put my issues with food aside, my body image issues aside and furthermore, to blame the demands of prep for many other issues in my life.

Where I’m at right now is somewhat balanced. I work out when I want to and perform cardio for a maximum of 18 mins (HIIT Intervals) 4x a week. My diet is not consistent. I wish I could say its’ an 80-20 split (80% whole foods and 20% processed) but it’s not. Some days I want iced cream instead of chicken and other days I’m craving a hearty salad. While in prep, these natural cravings enter my brain and I don’t give them a second thought, because I can’t. Over eating isn’t an option because I’m under a time crunch. My clothes are bigger and loose fitting because I myself am shrinking. It’s almost a badge of honor to realize none of your clothes fit because you are tiny! Now, I have days where I feel like I can’t find anything in my closet that fits or looks right. Things are tight and I feel my clothes getting smaller and myself getting bigger! What a frickin swap. Other days, I feel fabulous! This may happen on my off season for a couple of months, but the thought that a cut will soon be coming is what keeps you calm and satisfied. Now, I have no plans to cut and must remind myself that this! Is me, working on me. I always try to remind myself that constantly looking to be lean isn’t the answer to anyone's happiness. If your happiness depends directly on your looks and how shredded you are, you will eventually realize that those things fade and you will be left with nothing. Sure, maybe you won some shows and did some photo shoots, but who’s lives did you change by looking good if you didn’t have a message to go along with it? You are more than what size your pants are and how much cellulite you have on your body.

Taking this time off has forced me to track, keep active and be personally responsible for the shape that I’m in. To allow myself to have boundaries but push them when I want to, within reason. I’ve always been a boundary pusher. If someone says I can have something, it’s always “Well, how much?” I’m all about volume and having the most of everything. It’s easier for me to put my control issues aside and place it in someone else’s hands as if to say “Here, you deal with it!” My issue is when I coach myself, my mentality is all or nothing. People ask me why I myself (a coach), need a coach. When you coach other people, you’re going to implement rules for them to keep them safe and balanced. But when you coach yourself, you will always be tempted to break the rules for yourself. You’re going to break the rules that you’ve implemented for others because you can. But I’m forcing myself to not break the rules and just be. To make a conscious effort of enjoying life and all that it has to offer. I compare not being in prep like not being school. When you aren’t in school, you wish you were and vice versa. You miss the direction, the structure and learning. You study hard, take the test and are marked on your performance. When you go back to school, you miss making your own schedule and spending your time how you want to. Well I spent 4 years in Prep School ;) and taking this year off as has made me miss what comes along with Prep School. I’m often asked if I will ever compete again and the answer is that I just don’t know. A lot of things need to be in line and I would be very careful about who I chose as a coach. My mentality would have to be in the right place and I would want to document my prep for myself and for others to realize the emotional highs and lows of competing and the extremes that your body is sometimes put under to reach the stage. 

So, do I miss competing? Sometimes yes. But not enough to compete again anytime soon as I know the work that I need to put into myself mentally before I work on myself physically to that degree again.   

The ab battle. Isn’t it common? Everyone wants a 6 pack and they want it now!

I’ve always been fortunate enough to have somewhat of a flat stomach. When I gain weight (fat), it goes to my love handles, my arms, my butt and my thighs. It’s not that I am special, or gifted for not getting a prominent belly. That’s just genetically where my fat is mostly stored on my body. A flat stomach isn't always  necessarily a defined stomach. Only when I began bodybuilding, (lowering specific macronutrients and increasing my activity) did I see some definition in my core. I still however, did not have those rock hard abs that you see in magazines and on social media. What people fail to realize is that the reason why some can see their abs on a regular basis, is partially due to their genetics. I know, it sucks but it’s the truth!

Now of course there are other things that come into play, your diet being one of them. I wanted abs, but I also didn’t want to be strict with my diet. At the same time I wanted to be lean, I wanted a large curvy rump. While these are common goals, they don't all necessarily coincide with each other. Unfortunately, you won’t get those hard-defined abs to show through if you’re not eating a proper diet. If you aren't being consistent, you won’t drop enough fat to allow the abs to pop through. You also won’t get that rump if you’re not fueling your body properly to build your glute muscles. Specific towards the ab goal (Although I'm’ sure Gar wouldn't mind a booty too) I will use my dad as an example ;) He is always telling me how many crunches he does a day, but he’s not watching his diet. Will his abs make an appearance if he doesn’t start paying closer attention to his diet? Unfortunately, not. Sorry Dad!  It is also possible to not be eating enough and have a flat, lifeless tummy. When you think of super models, their goal is to be small, not necessarily lean. I can’t remember the last time I saw a model (Other than a fitness model) with a shredded 6 pack and killer oblique's. That’s because rarely are they watching their macronutrients. They are more focused on body weight and frame to fit into certain sized clothes.  Rather than focusing on macros (protein, fats, carbs) they are focusing on total calories consumed. This is a random comparison, but it’s what comes to mind when I think of a SMALL frame compared to a LEAN frame. Even when I am at my leanest, I still don't have the coveted and elusive 6 pack because that's not how my body is naturally built. Does this in anyway mean you don’t have to train your abs? Of course not! Diet is key with the visibility of abs yes, but they’re also strengthened in the gym. You should train your entire body to become stronger and in better overall shape.

We all want to spot treat and have the best of both world’s when unfortunately, that’s not how our bodies work. I’m always asked why people don't have abs yet, or even why I don’t have abs. After all,  aren’t I a bodybuilder? (Thanks tips). They want abs but they also want to grow their glutes and gain muscle! They want to work on their metabolism and their relationship with food, but they also want to compete and lean out. When it comes to such specific goals, you need to understand that each goal is going to take different diet and training approaches. When my goal is to lean out, and I am close to a show with my core as defined as it’s ever been, my butt is a lot smaller. Because my glutes hold a lot of body fat and with the loss of fat, comes the loss of booty size. Now, when I regain the weight lost after a show, my core isn’t as defined, but my butt gets bigger. This may all seem like common sense to some people, but to others it’s not. Too often, we compare ourselves to someone else who is genetically built differently than we are and wanting their body. Yes, they may have well defined abs, but you are not them. If you really want a more defined stomach, you’re going to have to accept the sacrifices that come along with it. Sacrifice's like reducing specific macronutrients, and possibly upping your activity. Even then, the genetics to have those crazy abs may not be there. But instead of focusing on what you don’t have, focus on what you do have!

For example, even though my abs aren’t really something that stand out as part of my physique, I have accepted and celebrated the fact that I have bigger and more muscular legs than other bikini competitors. It doesn’t take much for me genetically to put on muscle and to maintain it. But it takes me a great deal of hard work to drop fat. I’ve worked hard on my legs and I’m proud of them. Some Bikini Competitors may be blessed with abs, but must work hard to build muscle and continue to work hard to maintain it. Work with what you do have and make a conscious effort to improve and accentuate it, rather than obsess over what someone else has been blessed with. You’ve been blessed too! Take time to realize what you’ve been blessed with <3

The featured photo is from my most recent contest CBBF Nationals 2016, where I reached my leanest physique to date. Here my body fat percentage is very low, and I still don't have those crazy abs. Does that mean I am out of shape? Absolutely not. Your physique is only one aspect of being physically in shape.

From what I know, binge eating is a lot more common than people realize. The fact that I see “Icon’s” or Fitness Idols discussing certain topics and how clean they always eat, sets the public up for failure. When you look up to someone and they always seem so perfect, it forces you to feel more imperfect. You feel like you’ll never live up to their standards and their way of life. They sell you these lies telling you that “If you want to look like me, you have to do this and do that”. When they don’t do 80% of the things they show you. I would rather be inspired by someone knowing full well what they’ve attempted and that they eat as healthy as possible while still leaving room for their guilty pleasure indulgences. Being aware that they devote most of their time and energy into leading a healthy lifestyle but are also honest about the dessert they have each night. They face the realities that opening up about the time they too have gone overboard on a box of cookies, isn’t seen as so “Fit’.  Or that sharing the fact they went for pizza on date night while they were attempting to drop fat, sets a bad example. Each of us are inspired by something different and specific. Something that speaks to us on a personal level and too me, that’s transparency and what I would deem as relatable.

I’ve posted before about my binging tendencies, and I don’t mind opening about them. After all, I am a bikini competitor as well as a fitness professional, But I am far from perfect when it comes to my relationship with food. I believe there are many contributing factors that stack up to cause a binge. I’m not a therapist or a psychiatrist, But I am getting better at acknowledging my own personal triggers. I’m making more of an effort to address when I feel a binge coming on, and how I feel after it’s happened. Binging for me is more of an escape. I tend to over eat or compulsively eat when I’m trying to escape a feeling that’s uncomfortable to me. It most commonly occurs when I’m alone and am feeling consumed with my own thoughts. It can happen If I sit for too long and dwell on an occurrence that’s either happened, or may never happen. I will feel anxious and need to gravitate towards something for comfort. For some that’s drugs, others it’s alcohol and for me it’s food. I don’t want to FEEL lost, alone, stressed, anxious or confused. So, I distract myself with food and from the emotions that I’m trying to avoid feeling.  I’m going to take you step by step through a binge in my mind.

Step 1. I’m alone so now I’ll think about all the things I should be doing, but I’m not. The thought of it all overwhelms me because I don’t know where to start.

Step2. I haven’t eaten anything fun today, we have iced cream so I’m going to have one bite and put it back. (When I say fun, I usually mean high in sugar or fats)

Step3. I’m spooning the iced cream and thinking at the same time about how much change I’ve been through and all the change yet to come. Business, bills, not competing, relationships, family, things that have happened in my past and how I should have dealt with them. People in my life that I feel that have betrayed me and how I never took the opportunity to confront them. The list goes on.

Step4. I realize that half the pint is gone…

Step5. The guilt of losing control and losing yourself sets in.

. “Binge eating is done rapidly and a person will feel emotionally numb and unable to stop eating. Most people who have eating binges try to hide the behaviour from others and often feel ashamed or depressed about their over eating”

The important factors behind our relationships with food is to remember why we eat which foods. We eat them because we love the smell, the look and of course the taste. When you’re binging, are you really noticing any of these things? I’m personally trying to get as much down the hatch before I realize how much I’ve eaten and feel bad about it. I used to take my time with my meals and strategically enjoy each bite. Being more aware of how much I liked, or disliked it.  People often feel ashamed to admit that they love pizza and cake. They feel as if they’re a failure because they refuse to give up their dessert that they have every night and that is the reason why they will never lose weight. It’s not so much what you’re eating in this case, it’s what’s eating you!

There are two underlying reasons that I’ve experienced in which cause a binge. 1. A lack of macronutrient (usually carbs or fats). 2. Emotional avoidance. You don’t want to feel, so you eat. If you feel like these are issues that you struggle with, try and take your time choosing your meals and realizing why you’re choosing them.  Are you eating it because you’re hungry and because you need to satisfy your stomach? Are you enjoying the textures and the flavours along with the smells? Or are you simply eating to satisfy another kind of hunger from somewhere else in your mind. To fill a void and numb yourself towards feeling certain emotions.

I am not expert in this field at all and I only speak from my experiences and what has helped me. If you are struggling with emotional eating, don’t be afraid to contact someone about it and talk it out. Someone is always willing to listen and lend a helping hand. Be Strong and open for yourself!

The featured image is from my trip to Bali where I indulged in something sweet everyday because my goal was to enjoy myself and my surroundings.  This included experiencing the culture and of course, the treats! I ended up dropping weight on this trip because of the lack of protein and overall calories I was consuming. FOOD for thought!

The hard truth about meeting your fitness/weight loss goals, is that you can’t out train a bad diet. When I say a “bad” diet, I mean you are making little to no effort to meeting the macronutrient requirements for achieving your goals. 

It’s very common for us to reward ourselves with food/drink when we’ve been “good” during the day or the week. We ate good all day and so we deserve to binge on sweets when we get home after a hard day at the office. We got all our work outs in and so that means two glasses of wine tonight instead of one. My favorite? I worked out today so I can eat whatever I want. These are excuses to fall off your commitment. Reasons that you’ve made up for yourself to have whatever it is you want and to justify it to yourself for having it. You want to lose weight? Reach out for some help and when that help is offered to you, take it. Make an effort everyday to follow the suggestions that have been set out for you. Too often do I see people justifying their work to their reason for food choices. You can work in the gym all you want, but if you’re not working in the kitchen too, you will see less desirable results or possibly none. I know better than most that even when I’m killing myself in the gym twice a day, and my meals are on point there are still going to be outside factors that will play into my results. Only then can I say I’m truly doing everything in my power to see the results that I want.

We all want results but who of us are willing to put in the work required to getting it? There’s always a reason or an excuse behind it and rarely are we willing to admit it. People spend hundreds or thousands on easy and quick fixes only to be disappointed at the end because they didn’t learn anything and are now back at square 1. Your love for results and success must be greater than your love for whatever it is that’s keeping you from getting there (Too much wine or high calorie foods).

Which brings me to my next point, Alcohol. We all want to drink and be social but we also want to have a 6 pack and be toned. I’m going to try and break it down to you in the simplest form that I can come up with. Each time that I have decided to take my fitness or fat loss goals seriously, I’ve cut alcohol out of my life. Is this the necessary or the right answer? No. To cut anything out completely, isn’t’ always the answer. Especially if it’s something you enjoy in moderation and have never had an issue with. In saying that, many don’t’ realize that alcohol contains calories. Sorry to burst your bubble guys, but it does. If I decide to have a glass of wine or a crown royal (my personal faves) I count them in my macro’s as either carbs or fats. I choose to count 4oz of wine as 25 grams of carbs or else 9 grams of fat. After I discuss wine, people are quick to jump in and say they only drink hard alcohol and water. The alcohol that you choose to drink isn’t a matter, it still contains calories. Each shot of alcohol contains roughly 15 grams of carbs. So, when you were good with your diet all day or all week, and decide to treat yourself with a drink. Be mindful! Track what you’re having and maybe think about the potential reasons that you’re not seeing the results you want. 

 

It’s common to hear people say they want to lose weight or see a change, but they aren’t giving this or that up. They want to gain muscle but they don’t want to eat protein. They want to lose weight but they aren’t cutting back on sweets or their daily double doubles. Then I ask you to have a look at what you REALLY want and decide what’s more important to you. Can you have both? of course. But sooner or later you will realize that one passion needs to over take the other to find what you’re looking for. Stop making excuses for the results you aren’t seeing and start making the changes necessary. If you’re unsure where to start, start tracking your macros including your glass of wine and the double-double from Tim’s.  I’m sure you’ll be surprised at the amount of fats and carbs you’re consuming and the lack of protein in your diet. You must start somewhere and you aren’t always going to like the answer given to you. There are many approaches to weight loss or body transformations, but most of them come down to hard work and discipline. The key is to start somewhere! Start small and slowly build up your knowledge along with your approaches. 

P.S. This picture was from one of my best friends stagettes! ‘WINO’ Because I love wine just as much as the next person.

You’re another year older and it’s time to celebrate! Or so everyone thinks.

People usually celebrate their birthdays by laughing, smiling, opening amazing gifts and reminiscing on old times. The key word being “celebrate.” So, why for the past few years have I spent mine crying? It may seem odd, but it’s more common than you think. The most common reason is because people often feel old. They feel as though time is running out to accomplish all the things they set out to accomplish. They are another year older and it just seems to remind them that they may never get married, get that promotion, or have it all together like they had planned.

For me, this isn’t the case. I get the ‘Birthday Blues’ for a few different reasons. This year I’ve turned 29, which to some may seem old and that I must feel old. I feel the opposite of old. I feel very young at heart and as though I have a lot of life left to live. I feel like a 19-year-old who is trapped inside a 29-year old’s life! (Not body) I’ve always felt that I was going to live a life that was full of experiences, and so far I have. In my 29 years, I’ve graduated high school, college, lived a short career as a conservation Officer, moved over 10 times, competed in 8 bodybuilding shows, became a personal trainer, bought a house, sold a house, got married, divorced, uprooted my entire life and started a business, and more. 

Each year, the older I got and the more experiences that I had, the more I cried. It was very odd. I would wake up and each time someone would wish me Happy Birthday I would start to tear up. My Grandma would call and sing me Happy Birthday and I would sob uncontrollably. I would end the day and think “Wow, let’s not do that again”. But the next year would be the same and usually I would cry even harder. If I think back hard enough and try to pin point when it became more evident, it would be my 23rd or 24th Birthday. These were the years where I realized I had found my passion in the fitness and bodybuilding Industry. Like many women, when something exciting happens for us in our lives, the first person we want to share it with, is our mom. I unfortunately lost my mom when I was 12 to breast cancer. She passed away one month before my 13th birthday and I will never forget selfishly wishing she could have held on one more month to celebrate my first teenage birthday. I remember placing in my first show the year that I turned 24, and feeling so damn happy. But directly after feeling happy, I felt sadness. I knew she would be proud that I even tried, but the fact remained that I was unable to tell her in person. 

When I turned 26, I was getting married that following fall and the main person that I wanted to share my wedding plans with wasn’t physically there. I ended up spending most of my time planning my wedding crying because I really did feel like I had no idea what I was doing. You see brides arguing with their mothers over wedding details and I was jealous. If only my mom could be here and tell me I was doing it all wrong (jokes). On the day of my birthday, I was reminded of the engagement that had just passed and the wedding plans to come. Which were mostly done alone out of feelings of being lost and that no one else could take her place.  The year I turned 27 felt the same. I recalled my wedding just a few months earlier and all the life events that just took place (Getting married and winning first in a bodybuilding show) and again how I couldn’t share any of it with her. Then came 28…

28 was the year that my marital separation would be final. Talk about hard truths and your whole life flashing before your eyes. This time it was the same feeling but so much worse. I woke up and just thought in anger “Here I am again. Another Birthday and you’re not here to hand me my cake and sing me happy birthday.  To tell me how proud of me that you are even though my marriage has failed along with everything else!” It may sound dark, but it was the truth. No matter how old you are, you will always be looking for mother’s approval. I went to work and every client that wished me Happy Birthday would receive tears in return. I felt so bad because each person couldn’t understand what was going on and they automatically assumed I just felt old and was one of those people who hates getting older. The only way that I can describe it, is to imagine each birthday up until you’re 12 with everyone you love, especially your mom. She bakes you a cake and watches you blow out the candles. She buys you the Spice Girl’s C.D. you asked for and says that in return you should dance to “Stop Right Now” and show everyone the dance moves. And she tells you that she loves you and wishes you a Happy Birthday. Each Birthday after that, is always going to feel like it’s missing something. Because it is. You can constantly try to distract yourself from what’s missing, but it’s always there. With each Birthday Wish you receive, you are reminded of the one that you won’t be receiving. Hers. 

29 I can tell you has started out the same way, tears after tears. Birthday Cake for breakfast because I’m an adult and can do whatever I want and of course wishing she were here. This last year has kicked my ass in more ways than I can count. Instead of thinking that I wish she were here to witness my triumphs, I’m wishing she were here to help me pick up the pieces and start all over again. The fact is, I know she’s here. If she weren’t, I wouldn’t be writing this on my Birthday instead of continuing to silently miss her and wish she were here. I’m strong and I am proud of my strength, so when I have days like this its hard to accept them and allow them to be. Even though I am a 29-year-old woman, inside I’m still a 12-year-old girl who misses her mom.

The featured image is from a night in 2015 when I went to the theatre with a friend and spent the entire movie thinking about my current situation and what to do about it. I came home to this picture of her and I that hung on my wall, smashed face up on the floor. She sends me signs every now and then to remind me that even though I can’t see her, she IS here.

 Thanks so much for reading this blog and I appreciate all the Birthday wishes. NOW GET YOUR ASS IN THE GYM! 

P.S. As I was proof reading this blog, the power went out and it almost didn’t save! Maybe she is here to help me blow out my candles, or the power. 

 

You’re another year older and it’s time to celebrate! Or so everyone thinks.

People usually celebrate their birthdays by laughing, smiling, opening amazing gifts and reminiscing on old times. The key word being “celebrate.” So, why for the past few years have I spent mine crying? It may seem odd, but it’s more common than you think. The most common reason is because people often feel old. They feel as though time is running out to accomplish all the things they set out to accomplish. They are another year older and it just seems to remind them that they may never get married, get that promotion, or have it all together like they had planned.

For me, this isn’t the case. I get the ‘Birthday Blues’ for a few different reasons. This year I’ve turned 29, which to some may seem old and that I must feel old. I feel the opposite of old. I feel very young at heart and as though I have a lot of life left to live. I feel like a 19-year-old who is trapped inside a 29-year old’s life! (Not body) I’ve always felt that I was going to live a life that was full of experiences, and so far I have. In my 29 years, I’ve graduated high school, college, lived a short career as a conservation Officer, moved over 10 times, competed in 8 bodybuilding shows, became a personal trainer, bought a house, sold a house, got married, divorced, uprooted my entire life and started a business, and more. 

Each year, the older I got and the more experiences that I had, the more I cried. It was very odd. I would wake up and each time someone would wish me Happy Birthday I would start to tear up. My Grandma would call and sing me Happy Birthday and I would sob uncontrollably. I would end the day and think “Wow, let’s not do that again”. But the next year would be the same and usually I would cry even harder. If I think back hard enough and try to pin point when it became more evident, it would be my 23rd or 24th Birthday. These were the years where I realized I had found my passion in the fitness and bodybuilding Industry. Like many women, when something exciting happens for us in our lives, the first person we want to share it with, is our mom. I unfortunately lost my mom when I was 12 to breast cancer. She passed away one month before my 13th birthday and I will never forget selfishly wishing she could have held on one more month to celebrate my first teenage birthday. I remember placing in my first show the year that I turned 24, and feeling so damn happy. But directly after feeling happy, I felt sadness. I knew she would be proud that I even tried, but the fact remained that I was unable to tell her in person. 

When I turned 26, I was getting married that following fall and the main person that I wanted to share my wedding plans with wasn’t physically there. I ended up spending most of my time planning my wedding crying because I really did feel like I had no idea what I was doing. You see brides arguing with their mothers over wedding details and I was jealous. If only my mom could be here and tell me I was doing it all wrong (jokes). On the day of my birthday, I was reminded of the engagement that had just passed and the wedding plans to come. Which were mostly done alone out of feelings of being lost and that no one else could take her place.  The year I turned 27 felt the same. I recalled my wedding just a few months earlier and all the life events that just took place (Getting married and winning first in a bodybuilding show) and again how I couldn’t share any of it with her. Then came 28…

28 was the year that my marital separation would be final. Talk about hard truths and your whole life flashing before your eyes. This time it was the same feeling but so much worse. I woke up and just thought in anger “Here I am again. Another Birthday and you’re not here to hand me my cake and sing me happy birthday.  To tell me how proud of me that you are even though my marriage has failed along with everything else!” It may sound dark, but it was the truth. No matter how old you are, you will always be looking for mother’s approval. I went to work and every client that wished me Happy Birthday would receive tears in return. I felt so bad because each person couldn’t understand what was going on and they automatically assumed I just felt old and was one of those people who hates getting older. The only way that I can describe it, is to imagine each birthday up until you’re 12 with everyone you love, especially your mom. She bakes you a cake and watches you blow out the candles. She buys you the Spice Girl’s C.D. you asked for and says that in return you should dance to “Stop Right Now” and show everyone the dance moves. And she tells you that she loves you and wishes you a Happy Birthday. Each Birthday after that, is always going to feel like it’s missing something. Because it is. You can constantly try to distract yourself from what’s missing, but it’s always there. With each Birthday Wish you receive, you are reminded of the one that you won’t be receiving. Hers. 

29 I can tell you has started out the same way, tears after tears. Birthday Cake for breakfast because I’m an adult and can do whatever I want and of course wishing she were here. This last year has kicked my ass in more ways than I can count. Instead of thinking that I wish she were here to witness my triumphs, I’m wishing she were here to help me pick up the pieces and start all over again. The fact is, I know she’s here. If she weren’t, I wouldn’t be writing this on my Birthday instead of continuing to silently miss her and wish she were here. I’m strong and I am proud of my strength, so when I have days like this its hard to accept them and allow them to be. Even though I am a 29-year-old woman, inside I’m still a 12-year-old girl who misses her mom.

The featured image is from a night in 2015 when I went to the theatre with a friend and spent the entire movie thinking about my current situation and what to do about it. I came home to this picture of her and I that hung on my wall, smashed face up on the floor. She sends me signs every now and then to remind me that even though I can’t see her, she IS here.

 Thanks so much for reading this blog and I appreciate all the Birthday wishes. NOW GET YOUR ASS IN THE GYM! 

P.S. As I was proof reading this blog, the power went out and it almost didn’t save! Maybe she is here to help me blow out my candles, or the power. 

 

Marriage, divorce, love..

People often ask me why my marriage ended. Why did I give up? Or why did I get married in the first place. It’s funny how that works. Someone you hardly know or that you see once a year has the balls to ask you something so personal. No one ever asks why you fell in love. Or why you got engaged after you’ve been together for the exceptional amount of time. But when things go bad, everyone wants to know why? I was at a Social function and was asked to explain to a young girl why myself and my husband aren’t together anymore. My initial reaction was shock and I felt offended, but instead I turned it into the opportunity to explain myself and talk about it positively instead of in a negative way. The youth is our future ;)

I’ve never been someone who follows the crowd. I rarely did what everyone else was doing to fit in. I’m a very stubborn person and it would actually drive my parents nuts sometimes. I would be genuinely interested in something and later find out it was a fad or trend and immediately talk myself out of it (Later to compete in Bikini).  If I wore something and a friend decided they liked it to, rather than be flattered I would be pissed. I would stop what I was doing all together and find something else. I always had to be original and different in ways that I could control.

My love life (if you could call it that) was no different. It seemed as though all my friends were starting to get boyfriends early on in high school and I felt like I was “Linds the fun one”. It probably didn’t help my chances that my dad was Mr. Boechler, ex CFL football player and teacher. The curse of being the teachers daughter is what I will blame it on ;) because it couldn’t have been the braces or the acne. EITHER WAY!  I didn’t seriously date until my later teens  (18-19). My ex husband and I started dating when I was 21.

I want to be clear that I have nothing but respect for him and know that he is an amazing person and I have no ill will towards him, regardless of what anyone else may assume or think.

At the time we both had so much in common. We loved to laugh, stay up late, go out almost every weekend and enjoy the complementaries that come along with the lifestyle. He unfortunately had lost his mother as well and that was something that we shared a bond over through out our entire relationship together. My family adored him and he was always such a fun person to have around and made everyone feel welcome. Like many  relationships, as the years went on you hit “red flags” as I call them. You make your career choices and begin them only to learn that they don’t coincide with each others schedules, so you adjust. You start to have different interests, so you try to find common ground. Your idea of a great night, is the opposite of their idea of a great night. Your outlook on “living” is the opposite of theirs. As a result, your lifestyles have become totally and completely different. But you hold on because you have history and you have that bond with that person and you honestly care for them and don’t want to see them hurt. Many don’t know, but we had discussions of breaking up a few times. One serious discussion was in 2012 and another was in 2013 (the year we got engaged). You also decide that purchasing a house together is the  “next step” as many love to call it. You discuss the differences, but you always come back to the resolution that you care for each other and that has to be enough. So then? you get engaged and a year later, you get married.

That year of engagement was probably the most we have had in common in such a long time. Even though we still had our differences, we had the planning of the wedding in common. Looking back, the year seemed to fly by. I was in total robot mode and just did what I thought I was supposed to do as a bride. It may sound awful but that’s not my intent, I’m just being honest. I put so much unnecessary pressure on myself to be a bride and a wife and plan a perfect wedding that I forgot what I was even planning. A wedding you idiot! and its yours! Every couple has their idea of how their wedding day should be, so there are going to be small disagreements. There were a few things that we disagreed  about right from the start,  but nothing that we didn’t resolve. I think people get so caught up in planning the party and looking forward to the celebration that they forget everything else. They don’t think about what happens afterwards and what this actually means. We all want to be a bride but who is willing to be a wife.

When I’m asked why I got married, my answer used to be “I don’t know”. But the true answer is because I cared about my partner and I wanted to see them happy and I thought this was the answer to being happy. I don’t quit at anything and this wasn’t going to be any different. Maybe we would find common ground again. Because after marriage comes babies and that too will bring us back together and make us whole again. A lot of people blame fitness/bodybuilding for our differences. I even sometimes wonder if things would have been different if I never would have found my passion. The reality of it is that competing is extremely hard on relationships yes, it is very demanding and grueling and you’re constantly exhausted and looking for support. But even when I’m not in prep for a show, I’m still the same me at 28, instead of the me at 21. I go to bed early and I count my macros. I spend my time with people who empower me and inspire me. I NEED to go to the gym for my mental health and to feel positive. Prep or no prep, I’m still me. Which honestly is hard to admit rather than to blame the other person. It would be easier for me to say they’re a bad person and they were mean to me. They don’t care about me and they treated me terribly. That wasn’t the case for me, we are two fun loving people who just have too many differences to continue building a life together. When your paths are on literal opposite ends of the map and they just keep going that way, it’s going to cause more damage than repair to continue to try and force them to meet. So after one year of marriage and breaking up, we both felt like failures. That we had let our friends and family down and that we sold them a lie. Because we were and still are friends (LAME is what you’re thinking). But we are. He was my best friend and that’s what kept us together for so long.

What did I tell the young girl at the function? I told her among others, that unfortunately we thought marriage was the answer. That we grew apart and rather than admitting that  fact earlier on, we kept digging deeper looking for answers to our differences. That I knew deep in my heart that staying together was not the answer to my happiness or to his. Because you should be with someone you can see a future with, not a past.

Marriage is a choice yes, for better or for worse (that’s right! preach!) Till death do us part. Unfortunately, there was a death and it was the relationship that we had once shared. Divorce rate is up they say, but I believe its because people aren’t willing to sacrifice their happiness and the rest of their life to please others anymore. JUDGY will only land you in the positions you once judged. Being at a social function and being a 28 year old divorced chick was sure a hard pill to swallow. But would I go back and not marry? Not a chance. I don’t regret getting married because I married someone who taught me so much about myself and what I want out of life. They watched me grow up in a sense and teach me many valuable lessons that I couldn’t have learned on my own. I am thankful for the lessons I’ve been taught and I’ve realized I don’t always need to be the teacher. My struggles give me strength.

Since it’s Valentine’s Day, why not talk about how myself and my man crush met. It’s not the most conventional story, but it’s a true story.

In January of 2015, I was a very depressed and confused person. Not many would know this, but I most definitely was. I had just spent the summer months of the previous year on high’s that were so extreme, that anything else felt like a low. I had gotten married, won my class in a bikini show, took my first trip to CBBF Nationals and was loving my career as a personal trainer. In the Fall, everything just seemed to spiral downward from there. I had rebounded from extreme dieting for my show and wedding, my job wasn’t going so well due to a political situation at work and my relationship just felt..confusing.

When I was returning from Christmas Holiday’s back to work, I had been experiencing a lot of anxiety over it. It had nothing to do with my clients as I loved all of them, it had to do with outside factors that seemed beyond my control. Of course, the fact that I had gained 15 lbs wasn’t so much fun either. Walking into the doors of a gym as a personal trainer with all of this in the back of my mind, was overwhelming and all of the possible situations that I had imagined happening, did. Someone asked where my “booty came from”. While that was I’m sure intended as a compliment, it just further reminded me that it had doubled in size in a matter of weeks and made me feel self conscious over it. The same situation that was stressing me at work, had seemed to have gotten worse and it didn’t seem as though it wasn’t going to change any time soon. Plus..I still felt a lot of anxiety over my recent marriage. I had just gotten married and this was supposed to be an amazing, positive and happy time for me. So why wasn’t I happy about it? I was a wife and I did not feel like a wife for some reason. I felt like me trapped inside of someone else’s life and expectations.

While at work, my manager informed me that we had hired someone new for the front desk position and wanted to introduce me so to “Please be nice”. My manager at the time and I had a really good relationship. He understood and respected me, and I him.  He said this person was from Kelowna and competed so I would probably have lot in common with them seeing as how my dad lives in Kelowna and I’ve always wanted to live there myself.  I met this guy and instantly something resonated with me when we shook hands. In a way it felt like we had already met and I knew him from somewhere else. (I know people say that and it sounds so cliché, but it did). I asked his name and how long he had been competing and more importantly, WHY you would move to Saskatoon from a beautiful place like Kelowna? His response was that he had family in Saskatoon and wanted to be closer to them. But that answer never sold me, (Now we joke and say it was to meet me and bring me to Kelowna). After chatting for what felt like a life time, I mentioned that maybe we’ve met before somewhere and asked his age. I was 26 and he was 21..soo you’re my little brothers age. So no, we don’t know each other. As we talked, people around us seemed almost suspicious about how well we were getting along (Someone is making Bitch Face Lindsay laugh and actually change her whole tone of conversation). My manager even joked around and said something about how that’s the longest he’s ever witnessed me chat with someone at work.

From there our schedules coincided and we started at the same time of day. I had decided before I went away on Holidays that my schedule would be changing from evenings to mornings when I returned (as early as 5.am.) which coincidentally was his start time as well. When you are the only two people working at early hours of the day, you have no shows and the gym is dead, you get to know one another pretty fast.

Now before I go on, I am going to be brutally honest because that’s just who I am. I would hope that in return I will receive respect. Maybe not understanding, but respect. I have been nothing but open and honest about my experiences in hopes that it may help someone else, and this topic will be no different.

It got the point at work, that rumours started to spread. Apparently I was cheating on my spouse with my new friend. Anyone who has worked at a gym, can relate to how much gossip can be spread. Granted the change in my mood was almost instantaneous when I would chat with him and that was reason enough for others to speculate. At the time I had another close friend that I worked with, but this friend was a girl. So no one is going to point as many fingers over my chemistry with her as they would with him. Each week it felt as if I would hear a new rumour about myself and how disrespectful  I was to my husband and how could I possibly do that to him?  I would come home and tell my then husband about what was going on and ask him what his feedback on the matter was? He is a very easy going person and extremely trusting. He would spin it off as ridiculous and that he had no issue with the relationship that I had with my new friend. Now as a partner, you never want to seem jealous or controlling. So in his defense, what would the right answer be? Of course I am telling myself too, that this is just silly, we are friends and that we have so much in common. How could we not get along at work? But then I would hear more rumours and I would start to back pedal and tell myself ok, maybe we shouldn’t be friends anymore because I’m sick of the constant stares and gossip coming from other people. I was also fed up with people who didn’t even know me, informing  untrue facts about my personal life to my clients. Yes.. that happened on occasion. My client would go somewhere for a service (hair, nails etc) and hear about her personal trainer and how she’s fooling around with a younger guy at work. ( Someone is always listening, so be sure you have your facts straight and be careful who you talk to, or about.) You would be surprised how many times I’ve heard that one, and my client/friend/family member would then approach me with it. “Morning! I hear you’re having an affair!”  Even after I moved! I would get messages asking if it’s true?!

 

The truth?? is that our friendship grew and that my common interests with this person, shed light on what me and my husband lacked. In my opinion, we had been drifting apart for years and neither of us were strong enough to pull the plug and walk away. We had been through so many transitions in our 7-8 year relationship, that it was always felt like a waste to walk away from what we had worked so hard to build. He and I both know and agree that we had red flags through out our time together and that we blew past each one. Because you don’t want to give up? You want to believe that there is hope and that you can make it work again. You don’t want to become another statistic. You don’t want to disappoint your friends and family and answer all of the questions that come with a break up. You don’t want to admit defeat and that maybe you aren’t right for one another, and that breaking up may be the solution.

 

On September 21, 2015 our one year wedding anniversary, we broke up. Many believe it was solely because of my current relationship. I will say that this person came into my life for a reason and reminded me of the person that I can be. That I am full of personalities and sometimes indecisive, and that’s ok. That my original and personal plans and goals for myself are achievable and that my happiness comes first. In the short amount of time that we’ve been together, we have experienced infidelity rumours, my marital separation, we’ve competed in two bodybuilding shows together, traveled to Bali together, moved to B.C. and stayed at my parents house for a month during this time of transition and now we are starting a new life together in Kelowna. Not to mention he was extremely patient with me after my separation. He was pushed and pulled in all kinds of directions and managed to hang in there through all of it. I recall last Valentine’s Day like any person in this situation, he wasn’t sure what the right answer in this case was. To gift, or not to gift? Will you be mine? no? So he played it safe and got me a small gift to cover all possible grounds. My reaction? was crying and so many mixed emotions. I was so flattered he thought of me at all, yet felt guilty for feeling flattered in the midst of my separation. You also have all of the rumours floating around in your head to even possibly allow  yourself to enjoy the gift. I would tell him that I was scared that it was never going to work given the circumstances and I actually thought the fact we both competed was a recipe for disaster.

Every now and again people will project their own guilt or negative feelings on to you about your current situation. I’ve learned to dismiss those feelings and take them with a grain of salt. Re evaluate your feelings and your state of mind. When in doubt, look deep inside where no one else knows you and really ask yourself how you’re feeling. I used to really worry and concern myself on how others perceived me or my relationship. I used to look at others and judge them on their failed marriages or short term relationships. How could they move on so quickly and do that to their ex? until  I found myself in that exact predicament. One year of marriage, unhappy and not able to see it lasting any longer. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. As long as you know the truth and are well aware of it, that’s what matters most.

Not every relationship is going to start in some amazing, easy way and make you feel as if it’s all meant to be. The reality of it is, that you know in your heart whether something is right for you or not. Regardless of who it may hurt in the short or long run, your happiness is what’s most important. Some may say that starting a new relationship is the easy way out. I disagree when the walls that  you had previously built up were so high that no one could break in, and in order to break them down it was going to take massive amounts of courage, strength and time. Do I still have trouble admitting how we came together? Of course. Because in the back of my mind there still live the rumours and the guilt of how it all came to be. But not for one second do I regret any decision that I’ve made up until now and I’m happy that I’ve embarked on this journey with this man that has lit a fire and brought so much positivity to my life.

Binging, Reverse Dieting, Counting Macros..

As someone who has always been somewhat conscious about my diet, these are terms that come up quite often in the industry that I’m in. In high school I can honestly say  that I didn’t have any type of body image issues or concerns about what I ate. I was quite content with what I was eating and the fact that I was active and athletic. In fact, pizza pops, cheese and crackers and iced cream were a staples to my diet in grade 10 and 11. As long as my clothes still fit and I was able to play sports, my physique wasn’t really a concern to me. I’ve always had a big appetite and I LOVE food. Just ask my boyfriend ;) 

I recall in grade 12 was when I started to pay closer attention to my training and diet. Like most girls, you want to look amazing for grad. So I started to monitor my portion sizes. I didn’t cut anything out completely, I just cut back on the second helpings of store bought pizza, one bowl of cereal instead of two, and an apple instead of a granola bar. I had already taken up running a few years back, and was currently running for 30 mins 4 times a week. I had read somewhere that if you really wanted to “tone up” you needed to run in the mornings to cut the fat and burn more calories through out the day (fasted cardio).So I amped that up as well. I remember one morning setting my alarm to go to the gym before school and my best friends mom (I was staying with them for the year) could not believe that I was so determined. “Good lord you are ambitious!” I will never forget that moment because it was very defining  for me and  would ring in my ears during  each prep. Thanks Mrs. Ex xxoo.

After Grad is when things became a little more intense. You party for a few years, and stop running because duh! Grad is over. and you put on a few unwanted pounds. I’m not a medical expert, but I do know the signs of an eating disorder and at this point, I more than likely had one. I would skip meals, avoid sugary snacks, LIE about eating (oh yes I lied) and beat myself up when I would indulge in food. You avoid and restrict until finally you can’t take it anymore and you binge at 7-11 with your buddies on a Friday night after the bar. Or in your parents fridge (woops). The next few days you are full of guilt and you’re just plain mad at yourself for losing control (Did I mention I’m also a control freak and a perfectionist?) .That’s the thing about being both of these things, if you’re not perfect, you’re always wrong and failing. If something is in your control and you’ve let it spin OUT of control.. well you’re just a failure. I would get anxiety over food and trying so hard to maintain this picture in my mind of what “skinny girls eat and do” because that’s what guys want.

 

This went on for a couple of years until I got into weight lifting. I had learned that if you want your body to change, you need to feed it properly and get some muscles. Eat more to look better..never heard of it. I started to eat heathier and lift weights and watch my body change. Each weekend or maybe at some point during the week, I would have a cheat snack. I didn’t know the term cheat anything at this point, but I just knew I missed iced cream and wanted to have some. I would have one iced cream cone/chocolate bar/piece of cake and move on. I would say during this time I had a pretty good balance going (2011). I loved running, weight lifting and I loved the foods I was eating. Friends and family began to notice the change in my lifestyle and how happy it made me. I was definitely a healthier version of myself and had great balance. I was currently a Conservation Officer and was stationed in Alberta. People that I worked with recognized my discipline and would often tease me (lovingly) about how dedicated I was to eating healthy and going to the gym. That was a reputation that I was proud to have. Someone who looked after themselves and was healthy but still knew how to let loose and have some fun.

 

In 2013 when I began competing I was introduced to a whole other side of possible relationships with food and fitness. I was on a strict meal plan which I followed 6-7 days a week for nearly 7 months. I would have one cheat meal  of my choice per week until close to show day. Cheat meals at this point for me mentally,  were good because I could handle them. It kept me motivated to be “good” during the week and follow my diet in hopes that I would get a cheat meal on the weekend. The thing about cheat meals is they aren’t bad or good. They just work for some people and they don’t for others. They were good for me at that point in my life. Now, after my competition is another story. When you come off of a show, you have been so deprived for so long that you want everything, right now and all of it. To the point that you are psychologically full.. not physically because at that point it wouldn’t take much. My first post show meal wasn’t bad at all. I was too excited and on a high that food wasn’t my focus. I had a couple pieces of pizza and that was it for me. But moving onward from there, I didn’t know where to go. You want to maintain what you have worked so hard to achieve but you also want to enjoy life..so how on earth do you do both?? My solution was again, restrict, binge, guilt, punish. I was so emotionally drained from prep that restricting and waiting for cheat meals just weren’t an option for me. Pretty soon the cheat meals become cheat days and then cheat weeks.. and then you kind of lose hope. So?  you compete again because where else do you go from here.

This time around (2014), my metabolism was in really rough shape. It was somewhat confused from being starved, then overfed and starved (yo-yo dieting) that it took a lot to drop any weight. I was excited because I was going to be back into a routine again and have the structure that I often crave. Now  someone else would have control and all I had to do was follow it (I love control until I’m out of control. Then I need Jesus to take the wheel). I assumed from previous experience that I would be allotted cheat meals once a week. Unfortunately, the cheat meals didn’t last long. Each time I would cheat, I would over eat and hinder my progress. So it wasn’t long before the cheats got cut completely. Some may think this is extreme and maybe a bit harsh. But when you cant control your cheats and they turn into binges, you’re not going to drop fat. Even when I had restrictions, I would blow them and over do it each time. Then before you know it, you’re down to crunch time and you have 6 weeks to get on stage and too much fat to lose. No time to worry about having a F*&$%ING cheat meal.

 

After this show (July 2014), I was getting married in September. This was enough motivation after a show to keep me on task and keep everything in check. I started to slowly reverse with the help of my coach until a few weeks before the wedding. Like many brides, you are constantly busy and consumed with stress. I was hardly eating and still training like a maniac to rid myself of the anxiety that came with the wedding. After the wedding came and went, I binged HARD for a full two weeks. I recall the morning after that wedding eating baking, chilli cheese fries and drinking beer. Sorry guys but this is not Linds anymore, so if you see her, ask for her backstage pass. I went on my honey moon and ate anything that I could get my hands on and not in moderation. If you ask my partner at the time, I was a bottomless pit. We went for supper one night and I was crushing fudge out of my purse at the table (its funny because I seriously was devouring fudge in this classy restaurant in Canmore). My metabolism was in such a rough shape from competing and the weeks before the wedding that the weight stacked on to my body in what seemed like over night. I came back from Canmore and had a totally and completely different figure. What I know now, is that when I binge or over eat its because I’m anxious/nervous or feeling deprived of something. Physically after deprivation, your body is in survival mode and is trying to stack the fat back on, and fast. Psychologically you could be thinking so many things. ” I’m nervous about work. What happens now? I’m bored. What did she mean when she said I look different? I wonder what he’s thinking and where this is going. I’m worried about my kids” -Sound familiar?? So you snack and eat beyond the point of being full because your brain is still running and your mouth cant catch up to it. Before you know it, that bag of peanut M&M’S is gone and you’ve just replayed the past 10 years of your life in your head and predicted your future. Shit.

 

Of course! 2015 we compete again and fix the problem, right? I hired another coach because I wanted to give the macro counting a shot. I heard amazing things about it and how it helped many people with their binging tendencies. A few weeks into my cut and my coach knew that this wasn’t going to be an easy cut. He knew the extremes I had been through before with contests and not making the efforts to  reverse  properly, that he wasn’t willing to lower my macros or increase my cardio (which is a healthy decision). He was most concerned about my health and the possible back lash after the show, rather than my placing. Of course as a competitor you are so amped up and wanting to win that you feel like you will do most anything to place. I can honestly say during this time I never once felt deprived or like I was missing something. I didn’t have “cheat meals” because why would you need one? If you’re making room for a little something in your day to curb your craving, that should be enough. I wasn’t doing fasted cardio nor was I doing cardio daily.  After attending both Nationals and getting slaughtered (for real) I felt so defeated. I realized exactly what shape my metabolism was in and the extremes it would take in order for me to diet down enough to be a contender again at a show. I counted macros and did a full reverse with my coach for 3 months and this to me, was the most balanced and composed my relationship with fitness and food has ever been. I was able to increase my carbs by 120 grams and my fats by 20 in 3 months time. It may not seem like much to many, but for me I was pretty damn proud of it. I felt fit, strong, full of energy and I looked great. When you feel like you’re on top of the world, you might start to think that the solution to feeling even better! is to compete again??

 

2016 is when I really started to notice my binging tendencies. Not only that, when someone close to me started to notice them. When you binge or mindlessly eat and someone points it out, you get defensive over it. “Are you  STILL hungry?” …”How bout you F off? GOD.” Which is a very calm way to respond. When in reality the person is just trying to understand why you’re still eating that bag of popcorn after you said you were full. I remember discussing it and telling these insane stories of the amounts of food I’ve consumed in one sitting and having them ask why? My reaction was shock. why? I don’t know..what the hell kind of response is that? The kind of response by someone who genuinely wants to know why and realizes there is something behind it. There’s also something I like to call “sneaky” eating. Which is where someone will sneak food and hide it from someone else because they’re embarrassed or ashamed. I am so guilty of that its ridiculous. When I was in Bali, my boyfriend and I went for a late supper (which was filling) and when we came back to the hotel, he hopped into the shower. It was as if someone had rang a door bell in my brain telling me to go! act now! I rummaged through snacks and found a pack of cookies (not even good cookies) and ate them as fast as I could. He came out of the bathroom and found the wrapper in the garbage and said “Why did you eat those cookies? I thought you were full?” I forgot to hide the evidence of the sneaky cookies. It was like someone had read my diary and put me on blast. LOOK! YOU NOSEY BASTARD!!! But in all reality I just felt ashamed and sad. Why did I eat those nasty cookies? I laughed it off and he sat me down with a serious look and said “Lindsay, why did you eat them? are you anxious about something?” For the first time in a long time, someone didn’t let me play it off and laugh about it. I felt like couldn’t run from it and that I needed to realize that this was so unnecessary and something I needed to address. Yes, I am anxious and that’s why I’m crushing random cookies.

 

I have many girls approach and ask me about binge eating and they feel so ashamed about the fact that they can’t seem to find a balance with food. They’ve spent so much time eliminating certain things due to the fact that it’s been ingrained into their mind that it’s “bad”. They avoid it for a certain period of time and restrict themselves until they finally break and O.D. in a sense.  Which is why I know that in order for me to find a healthy balance, counting macros is the way that I choose to “diet” when my goal is to feel better about myself with out going overboard on eliminating foods out of my life. Meal plans are great but they also don’t allow you flexibility with your life. It’s really something when you’re anxiety starts to spike because someone has asked you to go to lunch and you’re not sure what you could possibly order. So you cancel and stay home where you have control over what you can eat. I’ve been there and it sucks and is really hard to get through and figure out how to live again with out constantly obsessing over the menu. For anyone who is currently struggling with these issues, know that you’re not alone and that many have been there. Talking about it helps a great deal and will allow you to see that you’re not the only one who’s struggling with the same issues. They may never completely go away, but they can get better

When I started competing  in 2013, I was obliviously ignorant to the use of steroids or steroid like substances, in the fitness/bodybuilding industry. At the time, I assumed that bodybuilding was a simple sport. You diet and train to the best of your abilities and come out looking great as a result. The only supplements that I took were Protein Powder, and BCAA (Branch Chain Amino Acids). But not before I asked as many questions as possible and researched them both. I recall even thinking that the concept of  protein powder was so foreign to me. But soon it becomes part of your lifestyle as a bodybuilder. You were taught that if you wanted to get big (gain lean muscle), you have to follow suit. After researching and asking my current coach, I learned that protein powder was mostly for convenience sake. It was a fast and efficient way to consume a serving of protein. It’s great for a post work out drink to replenish your muscles, or even if you wanted something sweet to curb your cravings.

I’ll never forget buying my first HUGE tub of Café Brazil/ISO Sensation protein. I was so proud to have made this purchase and make it a part of my bodybuilding lifestyle. It almost felt like a badge of honour  “My coach says I need to take two scoops a day!” and so of course you do, because that’s what your coach tells you. When anyone asked me what I took or what I was on, never did I think they meant what type of steroid are you using. Because to me, that didn’t take place in the Bikini Industry. During my first season of competing, I didn’t once hear of any female that I knew supplementing with steroids. I call this the “Simple Time” in my experiences, because I just had no idea. They say ignorance is bliss and it definitely was for me at this point. I was currently competing at the novice and provincial level, so I was in some ways sheltered from it.

My second year of competing, is when I started to notice a huge change in bikini physiques. Women were coming in leaner, harder and somehow maintained their muscle mass while dropping a lot of fat. I still didn’t think anything of it because I was very unaware of what could possibly be the reason. I started to ask  friends  who had been in the industry for longer and had more knowledge  on the sport, about how I could achieve such coveted physiques. What’s the secret and what am I missing from my “stack” of protein powder and BCAA’S.  The response that I would get almost instantaneously was that if I wanted that look, I would have to be open to supplementing a little harder. Naïve me, would say “You mean like Creatine?”..(yeah Linds,  Creatine). What I was then informed was that female bodybuilder’s in the bikini industry supplement with steroids too. They just use  certain supplements that are lower in androgens (natural compound, steroid hormone , that stimulates or controls the development and maintenance of male characteristics). Steroids with higher androgenic nature can promote virilizaton symptoms in women such as hair growth, deepening of the voice, etc.

I honestly was shocked. I felt like I was just told that my dreams were a lie and a fake. I remember calling my dad and telling him “Did you know that I compete in a category with women who take steroids?” like it wasn’t known by anyone else. We discussed it in depth and I for some reason just assumed that Bikini was a completely natural category. After all, the fact that we were striving to achieve a more natural look than the other categories, should alone be reason enough to be under these assumptions. How could I have been so stupid to believe that people would play by the rules? The fact of the matter is, they are. If it’s not titled as a “Natural” show, than there’s no rules against it. Even when there are rules in place, there are still ways around passing a drug test. In order to claim natural, there isn’t always necessarily a set amount of time that you had to have been clean for either (I’ve only learned some of this information just recently).

In 2014 after placing first in my class in the local Provincial Show, I wanted to go on to nationals. My  coach at the time was very supportive. He didn’t sugar coat anything and told me, that the women at nationals were going to look a lot different that they did at Provincials. I was in the best stage condition that I had ever been in and had three weeks to dial it in even more to give them a run for their money. The morning of the show, I took videos and pictures and was so enamoured at the progress that I had  made in such a short amount of time. I was certain that there was no possible way that I wouldn’t at least be a top contender. But when I arrived to the change room, I couldn’t believe my eyes. The physiques that I witnessed were honestly jaw dropping. These tiny little bodies with capped shoulders and dry, rock hard abs. WHAT. THE. &*%$ did I get myself into. Needless to say, my height category lined up and I felt like a linebacker compared to the other girls. I fell into last call outs, and felt so disappointed in myself. I vowed then that the next year that I went to Nationals that I would be leaner, smaller and ready.

I spent a lot of my free time doing my research and asking others in the industry that I trusted about what my options were. Every person that I asked had the same solution and the same answer. “If you want to be apart of that world and be a contender, you will have to play the game”. Now, in no way am I claiming that every bikini girl that looks great is taking steroids or isn’t natural. I am simply speaking from personal experience and sharing how this topic has affected me in some way. At this stage of  the game I knew that  I had two large problems getting in the way of looking similar to the top physiques that were currently placing.

1. My metabolism was slow  to begin with and now shot.
2. I have a very hard time in general dropping fat to the degree necessary for the sport.

In order to fix these issues in a short time frame, I would need to supplement with something a little stronger than protein powder. The only other option was and still is, time. Time away from dieting so hard and from extreme cardio. Even then, you can never be certain of how your body will react and how long it may take to reverse properly. I would need to slowly reverse my diet (increase calories) and decrease cardio to a point where it wouldn’t require such extremes to drop fat. My coach was very supportive and gave me all of the information that I needed. I asked what my options were and he told me. At no point was I forced during this time to take anything I wasn’t comfortable taking. I was simply informed that at this level of bodybuilding, steroid use is not uncommon (putting it lightly). In fact, being completely natural is quite uncommon and not many are able to make it passed a certain level of competition because the comparison in physiques are just so drastic. Again, I just felt as if I had hit a wall and that there was no where for me to go. I discussed it with my partner and he was very supportive and told me that whatever I was comfortable with doing, he was onboard. He asked what women commonly supplement with and the only word that I knew at that point, was “Clenbuterol”, which is a steroid like substance that is considered  more of a stimulant.

“Clenbuterol Hydrochloride is a powerful bronchodilator that is used to treat breathing disorders like asthma. Beyond treating breathing disorders, Clenbuterol is commonly used as a thermogenic. In fact, you will more than likely find more Clenbuterol use in fat loss plans than anywhere else. It is a very common fat burning tool used by many anabolic steroid users. It is a long standing favorite among competitive bodybuilders and other physique athletes during contest preparation. However, it is also used by non-steroid users for its fat loss properties.”

I told him  I had researched about it and what all of the possible side effects were (Which is something everyone should do before they decide to take anything). One of the side effects that didn’t sit well with me, was the possible increase in anxiety. I already suffered from it and at times couldn’t sleep if I drank too much coffee through out the day. Another was the possible side effects on your heart. My dad suffers from a heart condition called Atrial Fibrilation where you suffer from irregular heart beats. After seeing  him struggle with it for years, he was very firm on any sort of supplementation that interfered with the possibilities of increasing the likelihood of contracting the disorder, as my risks are higher than others. I also learned that with anything else, you need to slowly cycle off of these drugs to allow your body to adapt back to its natural state. I’ve heard horror stories of women with increased night sweats, anxiety attacks and severe depression. These possible side effects alone were enough  to scare me away.

I had already spent the majority of my life saying no to things that  I couldn’t condone morally. I wasn’t taking fat burners for the same reasons and I also believed that if I trained hard enough and followed my diet that the results would just happen naturally. For  a split second I toyed with the idea of going against everything that I set out to do on my own, and taking a risk. I wanted that pro card so badly that if felt as if I would do anything to get it. But this? I just couldn’t do. I knew that I wanted to prove to women that its possible to achieve your goals in the bodybuilding or fitness industry as naturally as possible. Most importantly, I would have felt like I was lacking integrity if I made this choice. I believe that if you’re ashamed to admit something to yourself on the route to success, how can you possibly admit it to anyone else. Especially if people begin to look up to you and ask you for advice or direction.

 

I know that steroids are a very mixed bag conversation. I prefer to stay on the natural side of things because I am aware of the risks and I personally don’t think the benefits outweigh the possible long term side affects. I already struggle with anxiety and depression and I didn’t want to add more possibilities for those two issues to escalate. What anyone else uses is their decision. Hopefully they are well aware of whether those risks are worth it to them or not. I just hope that with each decision you make on your path to success and motivating others, you are proud of the decisions and own them. I know people who supplement and don’t deny it, because it’s their choice and the path they’ve chosen. When women approach me and ask what steroid they should take and what I recommend, my answer will always be the same. I don’t take any as a personal choice and I don’t have any experience with it. Being a woman in today’s society is hard enough already, let alone being a bikini competitor, and Personal Trainer who some may look to for guidance. I want women to be healthy and happy with themselves and realize that taking such drastic measures isn’t the answer to achieving either. I have enough trouble admitting how strict I have to diet and how much cardio I need to commit to for shows, that the thought of adding any other extreme to my routine is just overwhelming. I want women to look at me and think that achieving my fitness level or physique is possible. I want to set realistic goals for myself as well as for  others in this industry that is so full of smoke and mirrors.

Today is #bellletstalk which is a movement that sheds light on mental illness. 

Mental illness is something that people don’t like to talk about. When someone is physical ill and we can see it with our eyes, its easier for us to relate. If someone has a broken arm, we feel for them and understand their pain and offer our condolences. But if someone is mentally ill, we can’t seem to grasp or understand how that could be possible, until we are maybe affected by it ourselves. The body is an amazing thing and we must take care of it. But as a fitness professional, I am an advocate of “healthy mind, healthy body”. You can train your body to be strong and fit, but if you don’t do the same to your mind, it will only be a matter of time before your body catches up to your thoughts. Many wonder if depression is real? Or if anxiety is something that’s simply made up. I would hear stories of people being so depressed they can’t leave their house or go to social events. At the time, I would wonder how someone could become that sick? What in their life happened to them to become that way? Until I myself suffered from anxiety and depression. 

—————

My anxiety had always been there from a young age, but I never recognized it as anxiety. I believe it came to be when my mother passed away at the age of twelve. It never interfered with my life to any extremes, until one day I decided to speak to my doctor on it. Earlier that week,  I had been at work waiting for a client, and my heart started to race. I started to feel a cramp in my neck and felt almost as if I was going to pass out.  I told him about the situation and he asked me a bit about the current stressors in my life. I was shocked at the question because I assumed there must be something physically wrong.  What does this have to do with stress?

1.I was getting married in two months time.

 2. I  was putting an insane amount of pressure on having everything LOOK perfect for the big day.

  3.  I just finished a  bikini competition and was focusing on remaining that teeny tiny frame because you know “pictures are forever”. plus the dress was expensive, so I’ll be damned if I don’t fit into it. 

 He told me that I suffered from anxiety and asked if I thought it was to the point of needing medication. That alone to me was sad..  “I can’t control my own brain? What’s wrong with me?”. I felt my throat begin to close and thought I may cry. “I’m strong, aren’t I?” as if I had failed. I said I didn’t think it was that extreme and I would put in the work to control my anxiety by cutting down on unnecessary stress in my life. This was  in 2014. 

————–

Since then, my anxiety had gotten much worse. I would wake up in the night with chest pressure and not able to catch my breath. I would get up in the morning and it would just be there.. taunting me and telling me to be afraid of everything. My personal escape and release has been the gym. I need to physically act in order to release the anxiety. I thought a way to self medicate  would be competing because that’s constant physical acitivity. I thought I would just beat the shit out of my anxiety and it wouldn’t bother me. But unfortunately, this sport just brought on another side of anxiety. The Body image kind. Getting up in the morning and constantly wondering how you look and if others notice the changes that you’re seeing. Instead of feeling satisfied with my efforts, I would constantly beat myself up and tell myself  that they weren’t enough. I would gain a few pounds after shows and be embarrassed about it. When I say that I had times where I didn’t want to leave my house, I mean it. My anxiety had turned in to depression and I didn’t want to be around people (one of my favourite things in the world). As someone who was so confident in my own skin, I was very insecure and confused about why I was feeling this way. 

 

2016 I had already been going through a marital separation, selling my home and of course on top of it I chose to compete because it was my source of happiness. It was a way for me to devote my frustations into something in silence. I now realize, it was also my crutch to lean on when I needed excuses for my anxiety and depression. Once my competitions for the season were over, my house had sold and I decided to move to another province (just a little added stress). I had a lot going on so it was hard to harness my anxiety and deal with it. in a healthy manner. A lot times through the years when I wasn’t prepping for a show, I would binge eat or drink to release the energy. I never used to understand why I kept doing that? Why do I always drink too much or eat to the point of feeling sick. While in prep, you don’t have those options so its easier to avoid self medicating with food or drink.  Now I attempt to recognize why my brain relies on going back to these old  habits that seem to die hard. 

Steps to recognize coping machanisms

Step one- I’m having a craving.

Step two-I’m having a craving because I’m anxious.

Step three- I’m having a craving because I’m anxious about the meeting tomorrow.

Step four-The meeting will be fine because I’m well prepared and its beyond my control at this point in time. GO TO SLEEP!!

 

My anxiety stems from over thinking. I will over think things to the point that I’ve convinced myself they’ve already happened. I will imagine myself somewhere and a negative situation happening that as a result,  will spark my anxiety. I will imagine that someone will bring up a topic in a social setting that I’m not comfortable with and I’ll panic. 95% of the negative situations that I’ve imagined or have tried to predict, have not happened. Thinking this way can ruin your life in so many ways. It can ruin jobs, relationship’s,  and social gatherings. Most of all, it can ruin your self confidence and your self esteem.  

This is the main reason why I’ve decided to take a step back from competing this year. My mind is not ready or “well” enough to be put into these situations again. I need to focus on becoming a healthy woman who sets a great example for other women. Competing and relying on unrealistic standards and expectations isn’t the answer to accepting yourself. Some may think that I  didn’t place at the national Level so I’m quitting. Which if I’m being honest, did cross my mind. The last thing I want to be known as, is a quitter. But the fact of the matter is, I cant seem to accept the fact that I’ve killed myself over the sport, didn’t place BUT  for it to BE OK! The point is trying, accepting that you did your best and being happy with it. Instead I spend my time away from the stage obsessing and focusing on remaining a certain size and standard for the sport. Standards that I  can’t seem to meet with out taking drastic measures that I morally am just not comfortable with. The feedback I always receive is that I’m not conditioned enough or am physically too big for bikini. I’m constantly trying to appear smaller so that I can fit in with the other girls. Which I said I would never do. I always told myself that if I don’t place because I’m too big or muscular, that I would accept it. Never in my life have I condoned sacrificing something I believe in, to fit in.  Why should this be any different? I’ve worked very hard to look the way that I do. But each year my goal is to come in smaller, which usually results in sacrificing some of the muscle that I’ve worked so hard to gain.  Being beside these women in person, is mind blowing.  The idea of the sport is to fit the mould, which I’ve never been very good at in many aspects of life. I am who I am, take it or leave it.

I’ve blown through many red flags and stop signs  in my life, and this year I wont be doing that. Cutting unnecessary stress from my life is a main goal and competing at this point, is an unnecessary stress. It creates anxiety that consumes my day to day life. I consider myself  a mentally strong person, but there comes a time to strip yourself of the negativity and address the issues. 

My  anxiety has gotten better, but it till rears its ugly head. Talking about it helps me and makes me realize why I’m allowing it to take over my brain. One common trigger for many, is cell phone’s. For me, I will keep it beside by bed and wake up in the night to check it. This is such a bad habit to get into, as it  creates broken sleep patterns. At times I’ve made a concicous decision to leave it in a different room of the house to avoid checking it and disrupting my sleep. I’ve made a conscious effort of stopping negative thoughts in their tracks and addressing them head on. Surrounding yourself with positive people will help immensely. I’ll say to my partner “What if this happens?” and he will respond with “What if it doesn’t and everything works out perfectly”. Mental illness is very common and its rarely addressed because no one likes to seem weak. But if you don’t take the steps to making yourself better, you will put off the path to becoming strong again. It takes courage and strength to speak out and let others know that you’re suffering in silence. But once you do, only then can your loved ones truly understand you and lend a helping hand. 

 

Something that I myself never completely understood, was the connection between your mindset and your body. I always thought it was a simple game. If you want to lose weight, don’t eat so much. If you want to gain weight, eat more. Right? Unfortunately it’s not that simple.

The first time that I  attempted to challenge myself with an extreme body transformation, the fat just seemed to melt off. I would weigh in and it would be no surprise, that I would be down a few pounds from my last check in. Dropping enough fat on time, was never a concern during this process. Not once did I  give worry to, or wonder if I would be ready for competition date. I was going into this experience with little to no expectations. Sometimes that’s the key to achieving your  goals. You hope for the best, do what you are capable of and put as little unnecessary pressure on yourself as possible. By saying that, you also do what is required to achieve such goals and recognize what you CAN control. This was in fact my first attempt at something so foreign, so I was very open minded and had little knowledge of what was expected or common.

 

My mind set at the time was  positive. I was in a relationship where my partner supported me in my current goal. I had started a career that supported and in some ways encouraged what I was trying to achieve. I had low expectations and put very little pressure on myself to succeed . I wasn’t obsessing over  things like sleep,  water consumption, carbs, fats,  or proteins. I didn’t waste time or energy on what anyone else was achieving, or how. I compared myself to no one. I actually didn’t even compare myself to previous check in’s. I put all of my faith in my coach and in the process.  I was simply following instructions like I should and not stressing on the potential outcome. If I had a less than desirable check in, I would think nothing of it. Because in my mind, it was out of my control and I was doing all that was asked of me. If I had been slacking on my training and  cheating on my diet,  that would be something that is in my control and as a result, would cause me to worry. This is what some may call, being care free. Or, STRESS free. That’s right, stress. The word we all know and hate and feel as if we have no control over. Guess what, we do.

Since then, the goal of extreme fat loss (competing) has not  come as easy. One main factor is because each time you play with your metabolism, you are  pissing it off. You are telling it that you need its help after you have tortured it for 4-6 months and haven’t really given it a rest. You put it through the ringer with more food than you are used to, and then you start to reduce your calories to a point until  it finally reacts how you’ve wanted it to.  You’re sending it a memo as if you’re in charge.  Saying ” Hey little buddy, I know I teased you with food for a while and then just kind of starved you. But are you ready to do it again?” and its saying “Fuck you lady, I’m not ready yet”. But of course, the stage calls.

 

But the other factor, is my mindset. Each prep or body transformation is going to be different. You’re going to have outside factors that are beyond your control. They’re going to call and text, and wake you up in the night. The difference between my life stresses at 23 and 28 are quite extreme. I had much less stressing me in my earlier years than I do now. Each attempt at leaning out has gotten even harder and more demanding with all of the life’s experiences that come with getting older. This past year I was challenged with the most that life has thrown at me. My mind was full of stress and anxiety and I was constantly focusing on matters that were beyond my control. I would worry about dropping weight all the time even though I had been following my program with out fault. I would give thought to things such as, what someone had said to me earlier in the day with a tone that I couldn’t quite dissect. I would lie awake and scroll through social media looking at other  physiques. Studying what they were eating and how far out they were from their shows. I could feel the anxiety rise and begin to panic. I would compare myself to them and what they’ve achieved thus far compared to what I had. Good luck sleeping in this state.

Doesn’t that sound a bit like life in general? We are constantly looking around at what everyone else is doing and comparing it to our own lives. It’s always a race and whoever can get to the finish with the best time, wins. Not only that, no matter at what cost. You have no idea how that person lives their life and what is mentally taxing them as well. They may lie awake at night worrying about things that you can’t even possibly wrap your brain around or imagine being in their situations. All that you can control is what is personally affecting you. To be more specific, how you REACT to what’s affecting you. I am guilty of allowing someone else’s opinion affect me and cause me to react. All that is doing, is bringing yourself down to their level and allowing them the satisfaction of breathing negativity in your headspace. Because now you are feeling insecure and are consumed with self doubt. Realize what is an opinion, and what is fact. What is important to you and what makes you happy in the grand scheme of things.

I hear all the time how stressed someone is and how its beyond their control. But you give life to the thoughts in your head. You breath negativity into situations or opinions  by simply just thinking about them for longer than you should. Once you recognize what is your issue, and what isn’t, you realize there’s happiness and possible positivity in every situation. Control your mind and you will control your body. Once you control both, watch the positivity grow.

Take a moment and think of how many times you’ve sacrificed your personal goals to please someone else… My guess is, too many times.

How many times have you skipped the gym, indulged in alcohol, said yes to less desirable food because you fell to peer pressures. Because the people you surround yourself with, pressure you into being “social” or “fitting in”. This to me, is one of the biggest things that sets you apart from reaching your fitness goals. Or any personal goals for that matter. its too easy to blame others for sabotaging our progress, or what we want for ourselves. You had to have cake, it was someone’s birthday. You had to drink that beer, they opened it and brought it to you. It’s very funny the way social pressures work. Someone has been pressuring towards you all night to drink this or eat that. To break your diet and give your goals a “break”. But,  when you say no every time, you! Are the jerk. You are the one being difficult and anti social. Does this sound like your summer??

 I personally have experienced some of the most intense peer pressure situations on the path to my own fitness goals, that anyone can imagine. Doesn’t it always seem like you set a goal for yourself and something or someone “gets in your way” ? So you collapse and fall to the pressures and are forced to start all over it seems.  People who say no to pressures and yes to their personal goals are that much more likely to succeed. Reasons and excuses can sometimes all sound alike. But, there are ways that we can kind of have our SLICE of cake and eat it too

So, how do we go about staying motivated and inspired while enjoying what life has to offer? Especially during these months of new years resolutions and promises  A few ways that I would recommend are:

1.Surrounding yourself with people who are like minded or else are going to encourage you during the tough time when we just want to sit at home in our pyjamas and watch Netflix with a bowl of iced cream. Including people, makes your fitness journey a lot more enjoyable. Celebrating together is a lot more fulfilling.

2.Dont beat yourself up! If you happen to indulge a little here and there, give yourself a break. Regroup and get back on the game plan. We are only human and life is meant to be enjoyed (in moderation)

4.Make a short term goal and stick to it. Decide to make it a point to get out and get active 3x a week. Or, maybe the double doubles take a little vacation from our daily routines, or possibly adding one more day into your gym routine. Pushing a little extra can go along way.

3.Take your work out outdoors, or to a new gym. There are plenty of exercises that you can even perform in your own home when the winter chill is too much to handle. Here’s a mini  circuit that you can easily do in a small space before work, during a lunch break or while the kids take an afternoon nap to get the heart rate elevated and the full body moving.

-10 push ups

-10 sit ups

-10 jumping jacks

-10 walking lunges per leg

-10 burpees

*Perform the circuit 3x, resting for 1-2 mins between rounds. 

5.Dont forget why you started on this journey and remember that you are more important than cake or Full Fat latte’s J

Now, by no means am I suggesting anyone completely isolate themselves from parties and events.  I’m merely suggesting that you use your discretion and put in effort where it’s needed. But, at the same time, be conscious and mindful of what you want to achieve for yourself along the way. If it means constantly sacrificing your goals to please others time and time again, you know the pattern needs to change. Otherwise, you won’t and will remain the same. If the people you surround yourself with support you, they will understand and Allow you to continue on your drive. They will be there when the timing is right for the both of you. Every time you say yes to an unnecessary distraction, you’re saying no to your future goals and your happiness. So do yourself a favour. organize your life around your goals, and watch them come true.. and have some freakin fun!!

 

When I first started to take the gym more seriously, competing or abs weren’t even in my set of goals. I just wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin again after indulging in the things that college has to offer.

 

Of course like any passion, you begin small and you fall in love with it. You take the small steps and before you know it, you’re sprinting towards a finish with out enjoying the surroundings. Isn’t it funny how everything becomes a race with everyone else instead of with ourselves?

 

After a heavy debate with myself and my partner at the time, I decided I was going to compete in 2013. At this time, competing and Bikini weren’t as big as they currently are.   You couldn’t ask a random if they had the time, and in the same conversation ask them when their next show is. So I was embarking on something I knew very little about. My cousin had competed the year before and seeing her photos online and how happy she seemed  motivated me to take the step for myself and just try! (Thanks Karinne), I wanted that. I wanted to be lean and have crazy hard abs and to show up places and have people ask to see my 6 pack. I would walk in to the party and the music would slow. The party would all stop to turn towards me as I lift up my shirt to reveal “man abs” is what I call them. Crazy, rippling, prominent abs.  With a satisfied smirk on my face like “I know, right? I have abs so I am forever content!” (I have a very wild imagination).

But most of all, I wanted to find a passion. Something that drove me everyday to wake up and crush my day with purpose. Something with an end goal that would keep me motivated and inspired when I had days that made me wonder “What’s the point?”. I had just recently made a huge career change from being a Conservation Officer to a personal trainer. What better way to walk the walk then to compete in a bikini competition and prove to myself and to others that  I  was dedicated to “fitness”.

I’ll never forget receiving  my first meal plan from my coach and sending him progress photos. I took the photos and spent less than a second observing them. I had just spent 2 years working on my current physique (running and watching my diet). “Oh fuck..I’m ready now?” I was so pleased with myself. I sent the photos and to my disappointment, my coach replied saying that I needed to gain quite a bit of muscle mass in the next few months if I wanted to compete and do well.  I couldn’t believe it. I was currently sitting at about 135lbs and was tiny. When I say tiny, I mean I had very little muscle mass anywhere. I recall telling my partner that I didn’t think that I had any fat to lose? where was it going to come from? Oh..we found it.

I spent the next few months eating more food than I had ever attempted to eat. Oats, chicken, rice, broccoli, protein powder, beef and egg whites. I would sit down with someone to have a meal and I remember even my dad, an ex CFL football player was shocked at the amount of food I was consuming. Did it ever bother or worry me? No. Because I knew I was working towards something and it would benefit me in the end. In those three months I went from 135lbs to 148lbs. I can honestly say during this time I was never self conscious about the weight gain. If anyone ever mentioned anything I would justify it by saying I’m competing and its all muscle (not quite Linds).

 

Then came the cut. My coach decided it was time to shed some of the weight and see what was underneath all of my “stuff”. The weeks went by and I couldn’t believe how fast the weight was coming off. I would reach a number on the scale and think “O.k. this is where we stop”. But we would keep going. I remember having a discussion with friends about it and saying that I wanted to tell my coach at the time that I was ready and didn’t want to lose anymore weight. This was supposed to be a bikini competition and as far as I knew, you were still supposed to have some body fat and curves left (silly Linds  that’s what they want you to think). I remember my dad coming to watch my first show and stepping into the gym where I worked to greet me and his eyes said it all. He hugged me and I could feel him squeezing me almost as if to say “Where the fuck did she go?” He asked me how the training was going and I said it was going really well. He looked at me and asked if I was sure I wasn’t going to be too skinny? Which was already in the back of my mind. I told him that I was just following protocol.

When show day came, I had dropped all the way down to 122lbs. Now, for someone who grew up eating meals with two brothers and my pops for most of my life..122lbs hadn’t been a thing since I was probably 15 years old. I was so small and I couldn’t believe that was something that I was trying to achieve. In this case, this isn’t the result of  too much cardio or an extremely strict diet. This is the industry of bodybuilding and competing. I told myself I was way too skinny and I would never win anything looking like this. I didn’t know who would look at me in person and say they wanted to look like me. I didn’t even want to look like me. The women who I saw in the change room that I personally thought were too thin, started to place in their categories. Not only that, they started to win.

I remember talking to my family and friends and telling them what I had seen. I started to panic and wonder what I had gotten myself into. I took my partner aside and said “What the fuck is this? I thought this was bikini??” When my class went up on stage, I had the most fun I had ever had in a long time. As someone who was used to being on a stage growing up, dancing, singing or acting. This was home for me and I loved the stage. I missed the spotlight and the cheers from the audience and showcasing my hard work. Even if I thought I was too skinny and would probably place last because of it.

To my surprise, I placed 2nd. I was stuck  somewhere between being happy that I placed at all, and being pissed off that I didn’t win. I also couldn’t help but also think  “Hold on..I placed second in the skinny contest”. Its a very crazy high when you compete. You feel as if you’re invincible and the adrenaline is pumping through out your entire body. All that I knew for sure, is that I competed for myself and no one else. I posted very few  photos on social media during that prep and the first photo  was of myself and my 2nd place trophy. I didn’t share what I was doing with people because for the most part, I wondered if anyone would understand. Not only that, why would they care what I was doing? Sometimes I wonder if competing or fitness would be as popular as it is today, if social media didn’t exist. If in order for someone to see your photos or the final package, you had to send it to them personally or they would have to come to watch you compete in person.

Now, if you’ve gotten this far in my little story I will tell you just a few of the lessons that I learned during my first prep:

1. Competing is fucking hard on your self image. If you thought you were hard on yourself before, guess again.
2. Any goal that you set for yourself that  requires above average dedication, will challenge most relationships in your life. Some may fail, others will strengthen.
3. Anytime you are playing with your metabolism to the extreme, you are committing to a  long term battle with balance.
4. I dieted down as much as I could and I still didn’t get the abs I was looking for, because I’m not genetically built like other women.
5. They say Bikini is about a feminine shape and a higher body fat percentage. You’re supposed to look like the women on the covers of fitness magazines. Well I cant imagine possibly achieving a lower body fat percentage naturally.
6. When you are changing your body to these extremes, you are also changing your mind. You’re challenging your mental state. When you look in the mirror and the tiny little shape is gone, you have to remember that it was for one day only. That isn’t you. It’s just a version of yourself.

When I compete now I tell myself that this is a character  that I’m playing, and its not the real me. I am a bikini competitor but that’s not WHO or ALL that I am. Fitness should be about what makes you feel good everyday. Not just the days that you happen to be a little leaner  or possibly see a vein. At the end of the day, no one gives a shit if you have abs or not. If you give back and treat people with respect as often as you can and live an active life. That to me, is a fit person. Abs or not.